I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
~Alan Coren
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How Military Specs Live Forever: Military Specs Can’t Die
Do you ever wonder why things are the way they are? How specifications got to be how they are. English specs can be so weird after all. Who dictated that there should be only 12 inches to a foot? Why not 10, or 15 for that matter? Why 3 feet to a yard, or 5280 feet (1760 yards) to a mile? It just seems so random! I bet there is one spec that you have never thought of though, the width of the standard railroad gauge. It’s a really random 4 feet, 8.5 inches. I don’t want to give it all away though, read below to find out the interesting tale of the origins of the railroad gauge…
How Military Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that’s the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
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Redneck Smoke Detector | Redneck jokes
Smoke detectors are a must for any mobile home at any trailor park. But they can be a little expensive and beep when the battery needs replaced. Well worth the trouble, of course, but one redneck family is experimenting with a cheaper and easier substitute: Jiffy pop popcorn.
“Well hell, we figured this way, if there was ever a fire, that popcorn would just start a popping- and it would wake us out of bed even with a good beer buzz going!” Said Billy Bob Baxter, owner of the mobile home.
His wife Thelma Lu wasn’t sure about the idea, until he fired up the stove and cooked some jiffy pop, filling the whole house with both, the loud sound of popping corn, and a rich buttery scent. “We’ll wake right up, but the kids won’t be so scared cuz of the butter smell. We’ll just tell ‘em we’re in a movie or something. Billy Bob is always coming up with smart contraptions like this to save us money. Like when the hot water heater vent got clogged up with a birds nest, he just ran a hose from it to the toilet, and we just flush now and then. That’s my Billy Bob.”
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Funny Answering Machine Messages…
Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep
“Hi, we aren’t in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you’ve finished.”
I’m not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I’ll reply
Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I’ll call you, cause you called me. We’re the ______ family. So leave your
name and number at the tone. Sorry that we’re not at home.
“Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we’ll assimilate you as soon as we can.”
“Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what’s next? You guessed it…”
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven’t forgotten
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
“Hello? …Hello? …Hellooo? I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak
up, I can’t hear you… That’s ‘cuz I’m not home! Leave a message.
BEEP.”
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is “The Twilight Phone”
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don’t wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain’t home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!
Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I’ve got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it’s ________
Sorry you can’t get through
Leave your name and your number
And I’ll get back to you
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you’ll be heard.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are red booger’s are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future….
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you’ve called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone… The telephone is next to an answering machine… You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine… You hear a beep…
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren’t home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin’ up my sleeve… PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here’s a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We’re VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana ‘im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas’.
Can’t take your call, I’m hiding from the men in white coats. We’ve been playing hide’n'seek for weeks, and they still haven’t found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?
C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I’m leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking…
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he’s still out there somewhere. So… Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won’t.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Wrong is wrong, but right is right
I'm real tired, so I'll say good night
I have a hot date.
She's a real dog.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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