If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
~Doug Larson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Funny Phone Messages

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

Hello, this is Jason’s voice. Jason’s not here right now — hey, haven’t you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I’ll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I’m not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can’t take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.

BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you’re on the air.

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: “Well, sure, but my neighbor’s bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.”)

Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we’re done shopping.

Hello, you have reached the _______’s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.

Hello, you’ve reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hello. I’m not at home right now because I’m out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don’t call you back, you’re probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan’s phone. They’re not here right now, but I am. Talk to me.

Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo – Who is this?
Hellooo….Hellloooo, well if you won’t talk to me maybe you’ll talk to this machine, it’s at home and I’m not. Leave a message and it’ll give it to me when I return.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and hang up and wait to see which decision I made.

Hi this is ____’s machine. My name is (pause) well that’s not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) Please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ……….. BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used, so leave a message and if I have time, I'll try to squeeze you in.

Hi this is Sonny and Attie’s machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.

Hi you’ve reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5…4…3…2…1… (BEEP)

Hi! I can’t answer the phone right now. Bob, that’s my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn’t lit, but I’ve got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

Hi! Jan’s answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the… Pope. Yeah that’s it.

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)

Hi, I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello this is Joe. I'm sorry but I'm not in right now. Please leave a message, and I'll have my answering machine give your answering machine a call back.

Hi, this is Ed. I’m secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger’s Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they’ll call you back when they’re nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call…OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.

Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can’t take your call but I’m playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I’ll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love Jim Shea” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Hi, this is Jack. Thanks for calling during my annual pledge drive. Please enter the amount of your pledge first with a 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, and then a comma, and then your phone number with no dashes then a period followed by two 0s. Thanks for calling.........(as in $1,5214111660.00)

Hi, this is John’s answering machine again. He’s gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy’s. Life sucks.

Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.

Hi, this is Stephanie’s answering machine. If you’re the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she’ll send it sooner or later. If you’re a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known only to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. If they say they don't sell cheeseburgers, tell them you'll have a man's size 12 patent leather, and you'll be eating in. (This probably won’t help you, but we’ll always have something to laugh about when we’re bored.)

Hi, this is you know who and I’m not you know where, so please leave a you know what.

Hello, I'm at home now, but I'm suffering from amnesia, so I can't answer the phone. At the tone, please leave my name, age, & place of work. Thanks so much. OH YES!! I need to know if I'm married, who you are, and what our relationship is. Thanks again.

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Hi, you know the drill.

Hi, you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hello, this is Joe speaking. I'm not here because I'm at the hospital in a coma from a blow to the head by an armed intruder. (whispering) Mom if this is you, I'm ok, just trying to avoid certain people. Call my cell number.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana’s vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone ’cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it’s in the bag.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get......…

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… OUCH!!!!

I am not home to talk to you, But please don’t be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the…

I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can’t come to the phone now, so… Hey—that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time… Yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings… I might even play my beep for you.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.


I would have gotten here earlier, but I was busy trying to record a new message for my answering service. I just got an idea for a new one.


Besides that, it's only 10:50 at night instead of my usual midnight posting time. Who's around to read it anyway?


If you DO happen to read this tonight, I'll say I'm off tomorrow. If you're reading this tomorrow, I'll say I'm off today. If you're reading this tomorrow, then you 'might' think I'm talking about tomorrow night, when I say 'tonight', or that I mean Friday when I say tomorrow. Those assumptions would be wrong.


Clear as mud?


If you're me, then I'm obviously confused, because you're supposed to be doing this, not me.


If you're not me then.........never mind.


You see everything is relative to your perspective.


I call that your 'relevant compass.'


Not your 'relative compass'.


That would be a compass that tells you where all your relatives are.


Right now I want to change my perspective to my bed's perspective. It's very relevant to how sleepy I am. Not that I'm related to my bed.


Not even remotely.


Ok then, have a happy day everyone. Today, tomorrow, or any day except yesterday.



joe

Have all a great day.

Good Morning Joe, Haroula and everyone. Have a great day Joe whatever it is! Haroula enjoy your day too. Coffee is ready. Wishing all a warm and happy day!

Off for a bit of a later work whoosh this morning. Have a great Thursday, everyone.

Good Morning venus. Hope it's a fast work day!

Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Thump day. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon and Eggs in the NC.

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day off.

Haroula, happy day.

Venus, have a good workday.

Gerry, coffee is greatly appreciated this morning.

Connie, a super duper Thump day to you also.

It's snowing yet again. Hope the roads won't be slippery. I have another Doc appointment this morning.

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a happy Thump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Good morning everyone. The sun is out.....waiting for the temp to rise......

Joe.....what day did you say it was??? I'm kinda confused now. Thanks for the chuckles and enjoy your day off. Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry.....AHhhhhhh hot coffee,thanks. It was -7 when me and Sassy went walking. Have a lovely day!

venus have fun at work and a lovely day!

Connie thanks for all the corner goodies! Have a lovely day!

Gail hope the snow stops soon. Be safe out there. Sending the Band for safe driving! Good luck at the doc's! Have a lovely day!

Darlene may work go smoothly and you have a lovely day!

Winfrey! Have a lovely day!

Ana HUGS! Sorry you are having "cabin fever" but better now then in the summertime! Have a lovely day!


Nan

Thumping Good Thursday ya'll

Busy morning in the kitchen. Tummy went into complete rebellion in the middle of the night. Spent a lot of time curled around the heating pad. Once I got up, I made some fresh ginger tea which always helps a lot. Looks like it might be a nice day out, but not sure tummy will allow a walk.

Ana, I hope you get out today to banish that cabin fever

Good day all! It's back to sub zero temps but not for long. I'm going to run some errands today just to get out. I'm also going to play trivia at a bar later with friends. I just need to get out of the house!

L4L, I hope you feel better! Have a wonderful day everyone and stay warm!

Ana

Have fun, Ana, and stay warm!

Cold today plus not much doing -a gaming day.

Simmered some chicken for Cmndr Buttons and that helped warm up the house. just finishing off breakfast = scrambled egg for possum and myself.

Thursday already!!!???

Afternoon Boomers


wet rainy day here blah!

Hi Yankee does your possum come in your house? can you pet it? pretty sure mine got it by the coyotes that were right next to the house that night~ bum deal
I used to jump Mojo over logs in a western saddle


Hi ya Ana have fun at Trivia night~ I have cabin fever bad too


Hey ya L4L your yogurt making always makes me hungry for a yogurt I love the lemon Yopo ones


Hi Nan have a nice walk with Sassy~ you working the fish fry tomorrow?


Hi Gail Good luck at the Doctors~ Drive safely


Hi Winfrey~ nice to see you in the diner

Hi Gerry, Connie, Space, Midge, Sorta, Haroula,Venus,Darlene,
have a nice day


waiting to hear news on my Uncle he's having 2 valve replacements~Karen

Doc, hope he does ok

Good afternoon Boomers.

Yup possums roam around the house just like housecats do and there were a few I could pet but at this moment there only 2 and they run away from me. A few years ago a baby one commandeered one of the cats' beds and she lived in my bedroom and used the litter box. I am concerned about their welfare if I ever sell this home. When 1 goes missing it's just like loosing a pet. They are smart.

Cold today

Just got another call from some 'home improvement' company. Fast talking guy who said something about Eco something or other. I told him I didn't need any of their services and started to hang up. He was still talking so I just listened for a minute. He said, "I can still hear air so I guess you are still there." "Then he said, "OK if you aren't going to respond, I will just keep calling you over and over until you listen." Huh? A threat from a company that wants me to hire them? Geez! Not the way I'd do business. I can hardly wait till he calls back so I can tell him some sad tale about having to drop the phone because my grandchild just swallowed a bunch of pills, or my dog just ran into the road and was run over, etc. What is with these phone solicitors? They seem to be bullies and enjoy annoying you.

Good night, everyone.

Hi all. Just checking in to say hello. We're in the deep freeze for tomorrow and expecting more snow for Saturday through Monday...oh joy... I hope you all had a good day. I have an early shift tomorrow. See you then.

Midgie