Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
~Judith Martin
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When you need a little bit of fun ammunition, these insult jokes are the perfect weapon. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Your armpits smell so bad that the teacher gave you an A just for not raising your hand.
You so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped yo’ mama!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
You’re so stupid; if your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it.
He was so ugly that my car wouldn’t even run him over.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
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A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
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In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
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"Ketchup!" That's amusing....
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the week's end!
I couldn't be happier, because after the weekend, I'm off for two days. I think I'll call it...
..My Weekend.
My my my, what a good boy am I I I.
I don't even know why.
The next week is going to be in the 70s here.
That means the good Lord will be able to keep his job I guess.
I need to instruct him to dial it back about 5 degrees though.
If I want it hotter, I'll ask the other guy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Karen 
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Karen and Haroula. Coffee is ready! Happy Day wished for All Boomers! 
