No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
~H.L. Mencken
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Dan entered the Metro and immediately attracted attention. His hair was spiked and was dyed pink and blue. His clothes were torn. He was wearing his jeans way below the waist. He had a nose ring and several earrings. There were big feathers attached to a bandana that he was sporting.
Dan took a seat across from an old fella who keeps staring at him for a long time.
Agitated, Dan said, "What are you staring at, you old geezer, did you never do anything wild in your youth?"
The old guy shot back, "Of course I did. I was on a sales trip to Bangkok once, and I had sex with a parrot, and I'm wondering if you might be my son!"
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Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.
She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.
The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.
The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."
Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.
Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"
"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"
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I witnessed this when I was with a friend in a casino in Goa.
This pretty Russian girl entered the casino and headed for the roulette table. She flashed a million dollar smile to the two Goan dealers and bet a million Indian rupees in a single spin.
She then purred in a soft voice, "Hope you guys don't object to this, but I get a high when I am betting and I prefer to play without my clothes." Saying this, she shed all her clothes.
The roulette wheel stopped at 17.
The Russian girl was thrilled and jumped screaming, "I won! God, is this my lucky day?!"
She collected the prize, picked up her clothes, hugged both the dealers and vanished.
The two dealers, still dazed by the event, looked at one another, until one of them asked in a squeaky voice, "Did you see what number she had bet on?"
"No, I didn't", said the other, "I thought you were watching."
"I was watching, but not the table."
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Mr. Smith, neighbor to the Martins, found that their tomcat named Dennis was running all around the neighborhood, on footpaths, in dark alleys, on the rooftops. Mr. Smith called Mr. Martin and asked, "Is everything all right with your cat? He has been running around like crazy."
Mr. Martin replied, "Nothing to worry. Dennis has been neutered today, he must be running around cancelling rendezvous."
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Two NatGeo enthusiasts, Gary and Robbie, were exploring the jungles, when a big tiger sprang out of the bushes in front of them.
Gary whispered to Robbie, "Stay calm! Don't move."
Robbie asked Gary if he remembered what they had seen about tigers on NatGeo. Gary replied, "Yes, I do. If you stand still and look the tiger in the eye, he will turn around and go away."
Robbie said, "Yes, I have seen that on NatGeo. Do you recon that tiger watches NatGeo?"
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There was a ruler of a dynasty who called upon his deputy. When the deputy arrived, the ruler said to him, "I know there are lot of intelligent people in our kingdom. Similarly, there should also be no dearth of fools."
The deputy answered, "I am sure there would be many, sire."
The ruler then said, "I want you to search the kingdom and find me 5 such fools."
The deputy said he would, and left the ruler's court. The deputy was perplexed with the task of finding fools. He wondered how would he ever manage to catch hold of 5 fools.
The deputy returned to the court after four weeks and presented 2 men before the ruler.
The ruler said, "I think I wanted to see 5 fools. Why have you brought only 2 men?"
The deputy said, "Please let me explain, sire. I searched the length and breadth of the Kingdom. I found this fellow carrying a heavy bag of wheat on his head while he was seated in a mule-driven cart. When I asked him why he had not placed the bag on the cart, he replied that it would add to the mule's burden. I realized I had found the 5th candidate in the list of fools and brought him here."
The ruler said, "Good. What about the next guy?"
The deputy continued, "I found this other fellow feeding sweets to his cow so that it delivers sweet milk. I knew I had found the 4th candidate in the fools' list."
The ruler said, "All right. What about the other two fools?"
The deputy replied, "When there are so many social & economic problems to resolve in this kingdom, I am wasting my time looking for fools in this kingdom. Thereby, I am the 3rd fool."
The ruler laughed and said, "Ok, who is next?"
The deputy replied, "When our enemies are knocking at our doorstep,and instead of attending to security issues and issues related to the welfare of the people of this dynasty, you are looking out for fools, that makes you the 2nd candidate in the list of fools."
The entire court went into silence.
The ruler said, "You are right and I appreciate your courage. Tell me, who is the 1st fool?"
The deputy replied, "Sire, when there is so much work to finish at office and at home, the one who is reading this joke leaving aside everything else is the 1st fool!"
I can't believe I fell for that old
'the reader is the fool' joke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.
He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man replied, "Yeah Father."
Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."
He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."
The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
Bubba replied, "No Father."
Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"
Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. It appeared to me you were getting a contingent ready to leave right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wow", said an eagle to another, "Did you notice that speed of that jet plane? Isn't that something?"
The other eagle, clearly unimpressed, said, "Big deal! You would be flying at the same speed if your tail was on fire!"
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A guy had a racehorse named Karma. Karma had never won a race and his owner was pretty mad about it. There was another race coming up and the owner warned Karma,"If you do not win this race today, I will have you pulling a milk-wagon tomorrow morning."
The race begins, and all horses started off with a bang....but wait a minute, there was Karma, fast asleep at the starting point of the track. The furious owner kicked him and asked, "Why the hell are you sleeping??"
Karma replied, rudely awaken from his slumber, replied "Just resting so I can get up at 4 in the morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robbie, the truck driver, was cruising along the highway, when he noticed a small brown guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.
The small guy said, "I am brown. I am from Pluto and I am hungry."
Robbie shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I can offer you my sandwich, little fella and that's about all I can do."
Robbie gave his sandwich to the little guy and drove off. After a little distance, he noticed a small red guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.
The small guy said, "I am red. I am from Mars and I am thirsty."
Robbie getting a little impatient, said "All I have is a bottle of beer. You can take it, but that's about all I can do for you."
He handed over the beer to the small guy and drove off. He had covered only a few miles when he saw a small blue man in the middle of the road.
Robbie, a little irritated by then, stopped his truck and said to the guy angrily, "Yes, you idiotic blue joker. Which godforsaken planet are you from, and what do you want?"
The little guy replied, "May I see your Driver's license, sir!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office.
Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?"
The new employee replied, "Jonathan."
The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name."
The new employee said, "My last name is Honey."
The Admin Head said, "Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's FRIDAYYY! That's so cool.
Come on in everybody, and we'll have a fall down drunk party.
Or, you can sit down. It's not mandatory to fall down.
If you don't drink, you can fall down sober if you prefer.
Or, you can just come in, sit down, have some coffee, and hang out.
At any rate, have a happy day all.....sober or otherwise.
joe
acebook
witter
No plans this weekend, so I'll probably find a game to play again. Next weekend, I'll be going to visit my mom if all works out. 
