I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.
~Jim Morrison
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Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.
When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"
Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."
In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."
After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.
So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"
Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"
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Sid and John, totally drunk at the bar, were driving home. Sid yelled, "John! Watch out for the tree. Watch out Johhnnnn!"
Crash!!Boom! Bang!!!
They hit the tree and passed out.
They found themselves in adjacent hospital beds the next morning. Sid said to John, "You are such an idiot. I shouted there was a tree ahead. Why didn't you listen to me???"
John replied, "It was YOU driving!!"
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Old Mr. Jones living in the countryside, sent his grandson Nick to the riverside to fetch a bucket of water. When Nick dipped the bucket in the water, he saw what appeared to be a crocodile. Terrified, Nick dropped the bucket and ran back to the house. He said to his grandfather, "I cannot get water, Grandpa. There is a big croc in the river. It scared me to death."
Old Mr. Jones said to Nick, "You can ignore that croc, Nick. He's been around for many years now and I have never heard about the old fella hurting anyone. Maybe he is as terrified of you as you are of him."
Nick replied, "Well, if he is as terrified of me as I am of him, then I don't think the water is good to drink."
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A small airplane encounters engine failure and begins to nose-dive. The pilot manages to land the aircraft safely on the ocean. He announces that it is an emergency and that all passengers should remain seated. He further declares that the airplane was designed to stay afloat for an hour provided that the doors are not opened. This would give rescue teams enough time to reach out to help them.
A soon as the announcement is over, one of the passengers, Mr. Gupta, runs to open the door. While the passengers look in horror, the pilot yells at Mr. Gupta, "Please do not do that! Didn't you hear what I announced? This airplane won't sink for a while if the door remains closed!"
Mr. Gupta answered, "Ya ya. This plane is also designed to fly, and we all saw how good it was!"
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Mrs. Thatcher was seated at the park when she noticed a man take the leash off his dog so that the dog could roam around freely in the park. She said to the man, "Do you mind keeping the pet next to you, mister. I can already feel a flea in my sneakers."
The man called out to his pet, "Buzo, please come here. That lady has fleas."
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Mrs. Coughlan was boarding an airplane for the first time and she was very nervous. She requested to see the pilot and her request was granted. When she met the pilot, she said, "This is my first time. Please assure me you will bring me down safely."
The pilot amused, replied to her, "I can assure you this, madam, that I have never left anyone up there in my entire career."
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When Tracy went to see the doctor, she had no idea that she would be in for a big surprise. Dr. Jenkins was out, so a junior doctor examined her. Five minutes into the examination hall, and the junior doctor declared that Tracy was pregnant.
She was so shocked, she ran out of the examination hall.
Just then Dr. Jenkins entered the clinic, and saw Tracy in a hysterical condition.
When Tracy told him what happened, he asked her to sit down and relax.
Dr. Jenkins then marched to the examination room and asked the junior doctor, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you know Tracy is 61 years old, she has two grown-up children and several grand-children.Why did you tell her she's pregnant?"
The junior doctor, who was scribbling something on a notepad, continued to write and answered, "She doesn't have hiccups anymore, does she?"
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Good morning boys and girls.
Morning for you, but bed time for me, and as usual, I'm about to pass out, without passing GO and collecting $200.
When I get up though it's day one of two YAHOO!!!
It's time to start working on the yard, but I'll tell you what. Today I went out to take up a display in front of the store that had a bunch of retainer wall blocks and after about 15 minutes I was about to have heat stroke, and it was only 73 degrees out.
I went inside to the break room, and had about three cups of ice water.
It's not even Summer yet, and the heat's getting to me already.
Not ready for this.
Wanna hear a really good joke?
I love Southeastern Oklahoma.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Another foot or more of that fluffy white stuff. 
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. 
Have an easy peasy day!
We had snow like that but this year we have about an inch. 
Strange. Gaming sounds like the thing to do today. Have a lovely day!
Oh well, she will get through this. 
