AUDREY HEPBURN
Quote: "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, 'I’m possible!' ”
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You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants."
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Dean was once hiking in the mountain when he slipped on a loose rock and fell off a cliff. A few feet down, in desperation to save himself, he tried to grab whatever he could lay his hands on. At last he was able to get hold of a branch of a tree coming out of the side rock. He looked down the deep ravine and his head started to spin, his hand started to slip from the branch he was holding. He felt immense pain in his shoulder because of his own weight. Death seemed imminent. Looking up, he shouted: “Please help……. Is there anyone up there? Please help……. Someone…..”
A deep echoed voice was heard from the ravine: “Dear Dean, I am God down here to help you. Trust me………. Have faith in me……… let go of that branch……… I will catch you.”
Dean looked down, saw nothing, looked up and shouted: “Is there anyone else up there who can help me?”
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Johnny, on his deathbed requested his wife: “When I am no more, please marry Watson, I implore you.”
Wife: “That Watson? But you have always hated him from your heart.”
Johnny: “I still do.” And fell dead.
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A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
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Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."
Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people making love and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."
"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"
Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"
"Yes," says Morty.
"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."
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Have you heard about two Swedish pals who claimed they were hunters? Once they decided to go to Norway and buy a bird dog. When they found the shop, they decide to test the dog. They did and the result was disastrous. They felt their journey to Norway was in vain.
One friend: “This is deceit. We might as well return the animal. Let us drop this idea of buying a bird dog.”
Second friend: “Yeah pal, you are right. Let's make one more attempt and throw the dog in air one last time. If he doesn’t fly this time we'll forget buying a bird dog and go back home.”
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An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”
The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
YIPPEE!! The weekend is hear.
It's
here too.
Do you here what I here?
Sorry, I have a poor sense of spell.
Today is the first day of the rest of my weekend, and there's a song in my heart. La La La Laaaaa
There usually is.
I walk around at work singing to myself....................or out loud.
A lot of people look at me like I'm crazy.
Just yesterday I was walking through the store singing Stand By Your Man, and I was getting the strangest looks from everyone I passed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Hope the snow doesn't start until after you leave!
