DALAI LAMA
Quote: "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."
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The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
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Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.
James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “
Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”
James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”
Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”
James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.
Joe shouted: “Boss?”
Boss: “Yes Joe?"
Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”
Silence - no reply.
Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”
No reply.
Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”
James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”
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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
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You Might Be a Cop if...
people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".
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A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
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Sven couldn’t pronounce ‘th’. One day he displayed an old car and a bicycle in his compound, stood near the gate and started to shout: “Boat for sale…….. Listen everyone…….. Boat for sale……”
Sven’s neighbor asked: “Hey Sven, where the hell is your boat? I can see only your car and your bicycle.”
Sven: “Yes, they boat are for sale.”
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A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.
The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.
The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been through Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
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You may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance.
In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:
'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'
After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.
Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?
The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'
'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'
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What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
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The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I didn't steel."
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Good morning everyboomie.
So it's the second day of the rest of my weekend.
Not ready to get it started just yet.
I need a vacation.
I'm actually going to have to do six straight days next week. I can't dismember the last time I had to do that.
I'm getting too old for this. I need to find the fountain of youth.
I don't want to drink it, I just want to gargle in it, and get a little energy.
Could you imagine going through puberty twice???
Have a super Sunday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a great Sunday, everyone. 
Ana have fun with your sisters. 
Hope they both make it. Gaming sounds like a good idea venus! 
Wishing you all a safe and happy day! 
