ELVIS PRESLEY
Quote: “The image is one thing and the human being is another. It's very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.”
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When there was loud thunder and lightening, little Joey was rudely woken out of his slumber and he ran to his parents' bedroom.
His father tried to comfort him by saying, "There's no need to be scared of thunder & lightening. It's just some sound & flash that God makes when he is displeased with someone telling a lie."
Little Joey asked,"But why is God making those sounds at this hour? It's past midnight and everyone is fast asleep."
His father said, "Yes that's right, my son. But this is the time when newspapers get printed!"
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Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.
Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"
Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."
Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.
Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"
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Stan, a trekking enthusiast, was on one of his trek trips when he realized he was lost. There was fog all around and visibility was poor. He kept wandering for 4 days and almost losing his mind, when the fog
receded, and he noticed a man in the distance. Hopes regained, he ran to the man and cried, "Help!"
The man asked him, "What happened?"
Stan replied, "I am lost! I have been wandering for the past 4 days without food and water."
The man asked him, "Is there a reward for you?"
Stan thought and replied, "I don't think so? Why?"
"Well, if that be the case, you are still lost!" replied the man, and disappeared into the fog.
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Tom, Peter and Jack were completely sloshed at the bar. When they decided to head home, they all got into a cab. The driver seeing that they were not in their senses, just turned the engine on and then turned it off after some 5 minutes time without moving the cab.
He then announced that they had reached their destination. Tom pulled out some money and gave it to the cab driver. Peter just said thanks & got out of the car. Jack, before getting out, slapped the cab driver hard. The cab driver, not expecting to be caught, was taken aback. He asked, "What was that for?"
Jack said, "We live 20 miles from that bar. If I catch you driving this rash ever again, I will report you to the police."
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Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced, "All you people of the left side of the bar are idiots!"
There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"
He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"
There was silence in the bar.
He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"
A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"
The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."
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There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.
Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!
When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.
She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.
So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"
After three months, Gilbert died.
When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We had warned you against giving him cat-food but you did not listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing that he died because of you?!"
Elsa replied, "NO NO, it wasn't my fault! He fell out of a tree trying to catch a sparrow."
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Betty was at home with her dad when she suddenly noticed her boyfriend Rob at the gate.
Betty said to Rob, "Did you come to borrow the book titled DAD DOESN'T LIKE IT by Roger Brown"
Rob replied, "No, I wanted to borrow the book SHOULD I WAIT FOR U IN THE PARK by Ruchi Mukherjee?"
Betty said, "I do not have that book. I suggest you borrow the one titled AT THE COFFEE SHOP by Nazir Hussain."
Rob said, "Ok, please also get THE SOONER THE BETTER by Cindy Chan."
Betty replied, "No problem. I will also fetch WON'T LET U DOWN by Ojas Patel."
Betty's dad said, "Don't tell me he is going to read all those books."
Betty said, "He will dad. He's very smart."
Dad barked, "All right. Just remember to add the book titled DO U THINK I AM STUPID! by James Bond."
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Ben, a property agent, was showing a condo to a couple, Mr. & Mrs. Jones, who wanted to occupy the property on rent.
Ben asked, "Are you both employed?"
The couple nodded in unison.
Ben asked, "Children?"
Mrs Jones, replied, "Three. Ages six, eight & nine."
Ben asked, "Animals?"
Mrs. Jones replied, "No no. They are all well behaved."
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Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.
There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door in 5 seconds."
There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.
After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."
Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.
Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"
An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."
Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"
The old guy said, "Your client!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S FRIDAY!!!
I'M WORKING!!!
TOMORROW TOO!!!
I think I'll live though. These are days 5 & 6 out of a 6 day schedule. Whew!
It would be hard to make me sad today anyway, because today we're closing on the house.
It's about time. We've had it on the market for 12 years.
Well it seemed that long.
Unless there's another delay at the last minute, today is pay day. woot woot
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Have an easy peasy day!
