JESSE OWENS
Quote: "The battles that count aren’t the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself–the invisible battles inside all of us–that’s where it’s at."
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Mary Jane says to her lawyer, "I wanna get married to my ex-husband. How can you help me?"
Her lawyer says, "But Mary, it was only last month that you got divorced. Don't tell me you are in love with him again!"
Mary Jane replied, "Love, my foot! He seems so happy since the divorce, and I just can't allow that to continue!!"
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Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.
He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man replied, "Yeah Father."
Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."
He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."
The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"
Bubba replied, "No Father."
Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"
Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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A Boeing plane got caught up in turbulence and the passengers were all scared. To keep the passengers calm, the pilot ordered that they all be served beverages.The first passenger said, "I would like a cola".
When the next passenger was asked what she would like, she replied in a shaky voice, "Just give me whatever the pilot is having."
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Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced, "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"
There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"
He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"
There was silence in the bar.
He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"
A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"
The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."
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Lydia said to her husband, "Phil, you delivered a great speech today."
Phil said, "Well, thank you. But you know what, the audience was full of stupid morons."
Lydia asked teasingly, "No wonder you started your speech with BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"
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The DA, staring at the jury of 12 in disbelief said, "How on earth could you acquit this murderer?"
One of them answered, "Insanity."
The DA said, "All 12 of you?"
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Dennis, a salesman at a clothing store, was a big flirt. He had often been warned for flirting with customers but he was not one to give up so soon.
One day, a pretty young thing came to the store and selecting a dress material, asked him, "How much for this fabric material for a new gown?"
Dennis replied, "For you, it's a kiss a meter."
The girl, shocked by this rude reply, quickly recovered and said, "Ok, I will take 12 meters then."
Dennis, not believing his good luck, quickly measured and wrapped the fabric. Then holding the parcel out to her, he looked at her with naughty eyes.
The girl, snatching the parcel from him and pointing towards an old man, said, "Grandpa here will settle the bill."
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My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.
He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."
I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"
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When Dorothy went for her annual check-up, the doctor asked her to undress and lie down on the examination table. Her uneasiness evident, Dorothy said to the doctor, "Doctor, I am too shy to undress in front of you."
Dr. Hanks said, "I understand. I will switch off the lights. When you are done undressing, just tell me."
After 2 minutes, Dorothy said to the doctor in the dark, "Doctor Hanks, I am done. Where should I keep my clothes?"
Dr. Hanks replied, "Just keep them over here, on top of mine."
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Ted and Diana met at a night club. After a couple of drinks, they decided to go to Diana's place. After a night full of passion, Diana was the first one to wake up.
She went to the kitchen, and called out, "Honey, would you like bed-tea?"
Ted replied, "No sugar, I will join you in the kitchen."
Diana said, "Darling, would you like corn flakes with milk for breakfast?"
Ted replied, "Sweety, I would prefer wheat flakes, thanks!"
Diana said, "Wait a minute...don't tell me you don't remember my name either!!"
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Tom was an alcoholic and had been trying to kick the habit. He had joined AA, and with great difficulty, had managed to keep off hard drinks. While running an errand downtown, he passed by a pub and has the urge to have a few quick drinks. He promised himself that he is gonna have only a few beers and get out fast, 'cos if he got drunk, he was sure his wife would abandon him.
So he went in, and could not help but get drunk. To make matters worse, he threw up and spoilt his jacket. He started weeping because he knew the inevitable - Mary would get mad at him and seek a divorce. An old gent sitting next to Tom asked him what was wrong and Tom narrated his tale. The old gent said, "C'mon it's not all that bad. I will give you an idea. Take a dollar bill and put it in your jacket pocket. Tell you wife you only had a couple of beers and I puked on you. Just say that I gave you the dollar to get it dry cleaned."
Tom thought it was a great idea and thanked the old man. He went home and when Mary saw his soiled jacket, she got wild and screamed, "You got drunk again! After having put up with you for so long, after having been through so much, you just didn't care about me and got drunk! I am leaving! Now!"
Tom urged Mary to stop and said, "Let me explain, sweetheart. I did not get drunk, only had a couple of buds."
Mary yelled, "Take a look at yourself, you threw up and your jacket is all soiled!"
Tom explained, "There was an old man who was drunk and he threw up on me. He put a dollar bill in my jacket to have it cleaned up. See here."
Mary reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.
"Isn't this a $5 bill?" she asked.
Tom replied, "You see!!! I told you he was the drunk one."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I don't think I'm going to sleep well tonight. I've been racing to get this done and get to bed, and I'm all keyed up from the race.
Getting to work today was not a problem, but only three people and one manager, who was also a person, made it there to open.
Getting home was tricky, but I made it by driving 40 miles per hour.
Today (Tuesday) I work 6:00 to 2:00. A nuther short day.
Since I'm all worked up, I may have to sing myself a lullaby in order to fall asleep.
Go to sleep
Go to sleep
Go to sleep little baby
Maybe some warm milk will help.
On second thought, a shot of something a little stronger may be the thing. BARTENDER!!!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Ana enjoy your time with little James. 
SpaceQ have a good day. Venus glad you're back to usual store. Haroula Happy Birthday. 
How sweet your son made you a card with Dad's help! Coffee is ready and Birthday cake for Haroula! Wishing everyone a great day! 
