Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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AUTOMOBILE ACRONYMS
What do these automobile acronyms actually mean?Here goes….
AUDI: A Used Dodge Incognito
BMW: Bavarian Money Waster
BUICK: Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVY: Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
CHRYSLER: Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
DAEWOO: [blip] Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally
DODGE: Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony
FORD: Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
GM: Genital Motors
HONDA: Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
HYUNDAI: Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
JEEP: Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
KIA: Korean Industrial Accident
MITSUBISHI: Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
MOPAR: Move Over People Are Racing
NISSAN: Need I Say Something About Nothing
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC: Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
FORD: Falling Off Road Daily
HONDA: High ON Do it All
GMC: Gay Man's Cadillac
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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BOY SCOUTS VISIT US MILITARYThis is an exact replication of a National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
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LAWYER ONE-LINERSQ. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrasing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners. The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"
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A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."
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A man woke up from surgery and his doctor told him he would not live the night. He asked "please call my lawyer and will you both stay here by my side?" The doctor was silent for a moment and then asked what he had in mind? The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side and I'd thought I check out the same way!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well, day 1 is looking a lot like rain and 52 degrees.
If it would rain about 10 inches, I wouldn't mind it at all, even if I don'r like boating.
I guess we shall see if there's a sea to shining see after the rain stops......see?
Speaking of seeing, it's getting hard for me to keep my baby blues open.
I think I'll see if I can find a good movie to go to sleep by.
See that you all have a happy day ok?
I'll be seeing you in about 8 or 9.
joe
acebook
witter
Midge, BB Pancakes in the NC. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches and Cinnamon Buns in the NC. 
Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day off!
