Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


IF MICROSOFT RAN RESTAURANTS

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to support $1.00
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

100 20 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER


1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the [blip] about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE QUOTES

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


BRAIN TEASER

Answers below. Don't cheat.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years - Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 10 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together - How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!


ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.


Welcome to Thursday. I can't believe it's Thursday already.


I had a great day yesterday. It was very nice. Sunny all day & into the 70s.


I took Baby to the old place and down to the creek where I found an arrowhead.


My legs are all crampy now though.


That's what happens when you get old.


Today is supposed to rain again.


Might be able to go look some more Friday, depending on how much rain we may get. We'll see.


Have a happy day everyone.




joe

Good morning,have all a great day.

Time for another work whoosh. Have a great Thursday, everyone.

Good Morning Joe, Haroula, venus and All. Joe nice you found an arrowhead! Haroula enjoy your day. Venus don't work to hard. Coffee is ready. Wishing everyone a sunny day!

Good morning everyone. Gail, Hugs. I'm going shopping with best friend today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Thursday. Danish, Muffins, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC.

Good morning. This morning I'm bringing my car in for an oil change, then home for a free day up until 5:00 this afternoon. I work from 5 to 8 today. An easy work day. Margaret and I worked last night at the Blisses for a dinner party. What fun. I love working with her. We laugh a lot.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Midgie

Gail is in need of extra hugs and prayers please and thank you.

Joe, yay on finding another head! How far is the old property?

Trivia night tonight, I'm enjoying it.

Have a happy day all!

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Sounds like you're having some easy days! Have a great Thump Day!

Gail, big hugs and prayers continue.

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Thumping Good Thursday ya'll

Rainy and gray but not cold today. Got up and spent the morning cleaning the kitchen up. The magic kitchen fairies had the night off. Looks much better up there now. Dishwasher running and clothes washer running. Dogs are fed though I'm not, just yet. Listening the View, and laughing at Joe's Quote this morning

Joe, so glad you got to go to the creek and find an arrow head. Do you have them displayed in your house?

Good morning, Haroula

Venus, happy whooshing.

Gerry

Connie, happy shoppity shopping!

Midgy, hope you have some fun and refreshing free time.

Ana, thanks for letting us know about Gail. Have fun and go get 'em tonight!

Happy skooshing, Darlene.

Good morning to all.

Easy day today. Did go to the bank this morning. Been reading also.

Rain is predicted for tonight and tomorrow but at least the temperature is normal or higher. Yesterday it reached 70. I'll take it.

Gotta go think of lunch soon, so I'm wishing everyone a good day.

Bets

I didn't do well on the quiz, Joe. Glad the answers were there. Whew.

I just finished another 'survey' for our local Gas and Electric company. They picked some consumers to be on a panel and recommend ideas about what's going on. Today's survey was all about what WE wanted to call the new gas pipeline, and which words (improved vs. modern vs. updated, etc.) we thought were better to explain some rate changes. Well, they sure got MY opinion. All the fancy questions are clearly intended for the average consumer to think they have anything to do with higher rates. I made sure they got that comment from me. All the fancy words in the world can't cover up for higher rates for my gas and electric services. AND they are going to start putting 'penalties' on those who use more electricity at certain 'peak' times. They want us to conserve but are going to punish those who use say the TV and the washer/dryer at the same time. Their reasoning is more power drain at peak hours costs more so why not force us to adhere to their schedule? Didn't go over well with me. I'm not your average consumer. Hope my input does something for this stupid new plan.

Water company did something similar for the last 2 months by giving us a 'target use' figure. I'm supposed to not go over a certain number of gallons of water use, which is calculated on PAST average usage. Geez! That means all our 'conserving' only penalizes us now since our 'target' is lower. Doesn't make sense. If I conserve any more, I'll have to give up showering and washing my laundry. What fun we have with utility services. They tell you to conserve and when you do, you get penalized.

In other news: Had lunch with a group of nurses and retired nurses from my sister's old workplace. Sister called and invited me to the get together. Got to see sister and the boyfriend who are leaving for 'home' this weekend after being in the area since Thanksgiving. They are very happy. She is now using HIS last name and introducing him as her husband. I'm not so sure she's NOT married to him. He's wearing a wedding ring now. Sister is not always honest and may be bluffing me. I don't care either way, but it's confusing to know what to call her now. Chances are they really are married but she's afraid to tell me for fear of disapproval. She's like that. He's a really nice guy. They are happy. Just wish the 'name' wasn't so confusing.

Hey Sorta, those utility companies know how to do it-----that water use target thing. customers conserved and now that's what you can only use. Wait till they turn off our utilities for usage. How is water supply in California, radio says it is arid there.

Now get this. My area gets water from an underground aquafer - the Corrizo Thompson - and this Alcoa company decided to dig lignite near here but on either side of the lignite there's water that feeds our aquafer -so, too bad. Because Alcoa is selling OUR water to San Antonio and what's filling the aquafer, absolutemente nada (nothing). We voted, we protested but all wasted effort.

Anyway, it's a lovely day, sun's kinda out and it's warming up but mostly I can keep the doors open so kits can go in and out at will. Ah, peace and quiet.

Happy Thursday all

Bets, sounds like a lovely day.

Sorta, we had the exact same situation here with the power company years ago. They asked everyone to "conserve" by either raising or lower the temp (colder in the winter, hotter in the summer), hanging clothes instead of drying, etc. Well, the folks in the state did as they asked. In response, the power company went to the regulatory commision who sets the rates they can charge, explained that their profits were down (of course they were, everyone conserved), and they needed a rate increase which the commision granted. I was furious!

We are back from a nice neighborhood walk. Had to change our route as there were 2 large dogs roaming together. Not sure they would have been a problem, but easier to backtrack and avoid.

Made a wonderful smoothie and now going to sit for a little bit so I'll have enough energy to make it to Bible Study tonight.

I should buy stock in the power companies. Then I'd be making big profits from all of our huge bills. Geez! I guess it's the same all over with you guys too. Sigh. Not happy about it all. Next time there is something 'new' they want us to do, I think I'm going to be very wary of it all.

Penelope finally arrived for breakfast. She was just strutting across the neighbor's yards when she saw me on the sidewalk and turned the other way. She's very wary of anyone in her 'path'. But she later appeared and ate her grapes and is now missing somewhere. Dunno where. A few days ago, she had hollowed out a spot in some soft dirt near my storage shed, and I went out, opened the door, got something out and when I turned around, I almost stepped on her. Her camouflage is awesome.

Supposed to be in the 80's tomorrow so I am enjoying the 70's today outside. Inside, in my old stucco house it is soooo cold. Gonna keep it that way and not get warm inside when it heats up this weekend. I've been walking outside from time to time just to get my hands warmed up.

Good afternoon Boomers.

Sorta, same thing here. We're on water restrictions so they can sell our water to the Niagra bottling Co. Doesn't seem right. Now the cable company is charging us a sur charge for the local channels.

It just gets worse and worse doesn't it? Charging for LOCAL channels? Wow.

well.....silly me. I thought I was here but I guess not. Abbi was here so there was some fun and confusion around here. Now I think I shall get ready and go do some BINGO!!

Gail I am sending HUGS and Prayers your way for strength and comfort.

Have a lovely evening everybody!!


Nan

Back from Bible Study. Time for bed. Sweet dreams all