Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
~Groucho Marx
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THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTERAn application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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50 20 FUN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERSTalk really fast.
Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.
Make up your own language. Speak it.
Hang up.
Make up a one word language. Speak it.
Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"
If they say "Yes" to number 6 say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.
If they say "No" to number 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.
Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "
Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
Claim to be the mafia.
Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."
Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.
Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"
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LITTLE KNOWN FACTSBarbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well now I know why my sister was always insulted when I called her a twit.
She is NOT a pregnant goldfish.
I'll have to apologize to her the next time I see her....eating ice cream and pickles.
So today I report back to work, and not a day too soon.
No, it's a month too soon, at least.
I think I'll call in sick today.
I'm sick that I didn't find any points yesterday.
Probably won't find any today either.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
How about Casper for a name? 
