If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
~Doug Larson
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SECRET OF LONG HAPPY LIFE
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," she said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-four."
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ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS
Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:
1.) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.
2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4.) Hi. Now you say something.
5.) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6.) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
8.) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
11.) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
12.) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
14.) Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
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YOU ARE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN...
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
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Good morning everyboomie.
If it's Tuesday, then it must be a nuther five o'clock-er.
Please tell me it's not Tuesday.
Well, I get off early then, and don't work Wednesday until 1:00, so I guess I'll live.
I'll save my tears for my next pity party I guess.
No wait.....................
.................................
.....I'm on vacation Wednesday.
It's a one day vacation, cause I jest don't like working 6 days straight.
Have a happy day everyone.
I know I will.
joe
acebook
witter
on the answering machine greetings Joe. 
Have a great Tuesday.
Then, this morning, I didn't have time due to the whoosh factor. 
I have another long day tomorrow, a split shift, which I never like. Oh, well, at least it's only for the one day. Then I'm off on Wednesday with an extra long day Friday to make up for it. Not to mention on that extra long day, I'm being shipped off to far away stores. 
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, venus, Ana, Haroula and everyone. Love the Green MaG! 
Coffee is ready! Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! 
to your daughter! Hope you have a great time!
