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Thump Day #1007119
03/18/15 10:21 PM
03/18/15 10:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.

Men are like cell phones. Half the time they don't get the signal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

R. LEE ERMEY: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD SOLDIER?
```````````TO GET FROM THE LEFT TO THE RIGHT DRILL SARGENT!


WHY?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


AGE ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER


I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes . . .

I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious . . .

I'd get help . . .

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.


WHY??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

REAL STATE LAWS

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Nebraska: 1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico: 1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota: 1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania: 1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Rhode Island: 1. It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.

Texas: 1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.

Washington: 1. All lollipops are banned. 2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town

WHY????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Someone once told me to question everything. wink


I don't know why...........and didn't ask. duh


A man walked by my house the other day and stuck his tongue out at my dog. I yelled at him, "I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR THAT!" He then stuck his tongue out at me and I said, "THAT"S OK, JUST NOT MY DOG." blech


My sister was driving through New Mexico when she was pulled over by a cop and arrested for not shaving her beard. snicker


I was sitting around today doing nothing in particular, just thinking about life. shocked


I'm really tired now. tired


I don't like thinking. smirk


Have a happy day everyone.



joe


Last edited by gymcandy1; 03/18/15 10:24 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007124
03/18/15 10:57 PM
03/18/15 10:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Have an awesome day Joe! Thanks for the chuckles!


Have a great day!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007137
03/19/15 02:48 AM
03/19/15 02:48 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all who follow later. wave
Have a happy day. smile spring happydance


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007142
03/19/15 04:24 AM
03/19/15 04:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and everyone. Joe you do light up the Diner! Ana enjoy your day. Haroula a happy day to you too. Temperature is 25 degrees with a wind chill this morning. shiver Coffee is ready. Wishing everyone a wonderful day! StPats wave


Gerry
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007156
03/19/15 07:15 AM
03/19/15 07:15 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Thump day. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches and French Toast in the NC. spring


Connie
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007183
03/19/15 09:07 AM
03/19/15 09:07 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
manxman Offline
Sonic Boomer
manxman  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 29,026
Unionville
Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a terrific Thursday wave


Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
Re: Thump Day [Re: manxman] #1007189
03/19/15 09:52 AM
03/19/15 09:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a happy Thump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007209
03/19/15 11:26 AM
03/19/15 11:26 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe, you had too much fun on your day off. lol Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Ana hope the project moves right along for you, We had some of the biggest snow fakes falling this morning that I have seen in quite awhile. Won't stay though as it should reach 50 today, or so they say. lol

Doing good here. Monday went to the eye doc and I have a plugged oil gland on my left lower eyelid so I have some drops and ointment and hot compresses. Works good though. I just brew a cup of tea and use the tea bag as the compress. Then drink the tea. Win/win!! Hope all is well there.

Gerry thanks for the hot coffee and have a lovely day!

Connie thank you for the danish and have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may work go smoothly and you have a lovely day!

Off to run a few errands and then who knows. lol

wave
Nan

Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007211
03/19/15 11:34 AM
03/19/15 11:34 AM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 11,505
Kirkwood, MO USA
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer
flutist  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 11,505
Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning friends.
Went to Wal-Mart this morning and now am finished going out for the day. Just took Lyric out and she took care of her business so she is good for awhile.

Not a whole lot going on right now. Tomorrow I have to go back to the audiologist and will see about trying out a hearing aid in the right ear. The new one in the left is great, so clear. Wow, what a difference. On April 4 I have to go in for a Sinus Dilation on my plugged up sinus. Be glad when that is over.

What is the latest on Gail's hubby?

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Bets


Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007215
03/19/15 12:11 PM
03/19/15 12:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Thumping Good Thursday ya'll puppy

They said the R word today, but it's not here yet. Doesn't matter as I'll be hiding inside running the AC (yes, AC already sad) to try to filter out those nasty allergens. Maybe hubby will be home in time to take the 4-legged ones to the park happydance

I've been up for awhile. Takes me awhile to turn human in the mornings these days. Then I did some research and then some organizing of all the research. Dogs are fed and I am eating at the computer. Took some vits this morning on an empty tummy. I so know better than that, so couldn't eat til now.

Joe, thanks for the laughs!

Nan, hope your eye is better soonest. Stay inside, stay warm, or better yet, come on down!


Bets, so glad your new hearing aid is working for ya! wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007216
03/19/15 12:24 PM
03/19/15 12:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
I'm going out to count chickens now after Joe's great jokes. Sadly, only one bird was found and it was a Peacock. I guess all my chickens have already crossed the road!

Happy Thursday to all. I think I hear Penelope triggering the driveway alarm. She WALKS up my long driveway to the back of the house, flies to the trellis, then to the roof and then jumps down to the deck and then up to the feeding table. Long road to go for some grapes. On the way home, she reverses the routine, but travels halfway along the roof and then to the driveway, triggering the alarm and then walks around the fence to my my neighbor's house, across her driveway, across her lawn, up the next house's driveway, across the fence to 'her' house. Whew. No wonder she might be hungry for more grapes!

Still waiting for my last bill of the month to arrive. Just realized that since I started paying for trash collection (mandatory whether you use it or not) that the amount has gone from 22 bucks (every second month) to 42 now. Geez. The city dump is FREE twice a month for residents and that would be great to use, except we have to pay TRASH service no matter what. City demands it even if the house is empty, you still pay the bill or they put a lien on your property. How great is that?

Going to go check on the Outdoorsies. I got up late and they were all very hungry. Morning crew is 4 ferals and the peacock. Afternoon crew is 2 ferals (repeat customers) and sometimes the peacock. Evening crew is 4 ferals again and the peacock AND 2 or 3 possums, and sometimes the raccoons. Hungry bunch of critters. So cute to watch with my 'critter cam'. If there is no food, they STARE into the camera and I go out. I think they have discovered that if the look into the camera, food magically appears. They can see the infrared in the daytime. At night, it's visible to humans. Scary to see 2 glowing eyes looking at you at night from the cats who really know how to get your attention.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007224
03/19/15 01:23 PM
03/19/15 01:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Pets are good company -they spend our money, time, they give us scraggley furniture,litter boxes and plenty of purrs and love. Hey Sorta, Penelope could pick you out in a crowd.

Still not playing Plants vs Zombies -maybe this afternoon. My car, Bruno, is in the garage getting his yearly check up, oil change etcetc and drive looks so empty -good day to game.


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007238
03/19/15 03:47 PM
03/19/15 03:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007249
03/19/15 06:29 PM
03/19/15 06:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
I think you are right Yankee about Penelope knowing me and MY car. When I go shopping, she appears magically right after I come home. My neighbor says she 'nests' on her little porch and watches the road. I'm thinking she knows the red (my) car going by and watches it go up my driveway and follows it. She does know me for sure as she follows me up the driveway when I scoot her out of the road. It's the grapes...hehe.

Got a 37 dollar check today from a class action suit against a local plumbing firm. It's been 2 years since they sent a notice to opt out or stay in. Dunno why, never read the full case, but I'm happy with the money. Wheeee.


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007257
03/19/15 07:37 PM
03/19/15 07:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Sorta, you ever coined the phrase "Bird Brain", sure nuff didn't know the Princess. Good good on the settlement.


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1007266
03/19/15 09:27 PM
03/19/15 09:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Hi all. Home from work for awhile. Watching NCIS on demand. I still love that show. I'm gonna say good night now. I have an early shift in the morning. Night all. Sweet dreams.

Midgie hearts sleep


Just do it.
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