I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
~Oscar Wilde
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NEW BARBIE DOLLS
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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FUN AT YOUR LOCAL POOLStand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.
Hit strangers with your wet towel.
Throw people's things into the pool.
Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.
Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
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RULES OF DIETINGIf you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren't real.
When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles
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THE THINNEST BOOKS AROUND
The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
The Amish Phone Directory
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
French Hospitality
Everything Women Know About Men
Everything Men Know About Women
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
The Wild Years-By Al Gore
Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances In China
To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.
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Good morning everyboomie.
We're at the hump, YaHoo!
I have the hump off, WAHOO!!!
"Joe Lilley, you just got the Hump Day off. What are you going to do next?" 
"I'm going to Disney Land........in my mind, as I snooze on the couch all day, as it's raining outside, on my day off."
It has been one long day. I got up at 3:30....ish, worked 8.....and a half, came home and mowed the yard, and weed eated(?),......weed ate(?),.......had weed salad.
YUM
That about killed me because we got up in the mid 80s today and I'm no 'Spring chicken'!
While I was weedeating, I got a little too close to my AC unit, and got my line wrapped up in the wires.
Now, my AC and heater don't work.
LovelyI hope you all have a
SUPER lovely day.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Jeo, Haroula and everyone. A cold morning here only in the 20s. Coffee is ready. Have a great day everyone! 
Hope you have a great day as well.
at PT. Hope "work" is fun!
It's amazing what circumstances do to our perspectives 
Are you feeling any better? Did the ear thing help?