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Monday Mourning #1007630
03/22/15 07:18 PM
03/22/15 07:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
~George Carlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating the grass?" "Well, we don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass." "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the Scotsman said. "But sir, I also have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Ok, bring them along too" the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!" "Very well then, bring them all" the Scotsman answered. They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are truly too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The Scotsman replied, "No problem, glad to do it. "You'll really love my place "The grass is almost a foot high"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gentleman has 50 yard line Super Bowl tickets. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No, it is empty. " "That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, They are all at the funeral."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Yorker was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place any where. Desperate, Looks up to the heavens he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. New Yorker looked up again and said, "Never mind Lord. I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Revenue agent was checking the books, he turned to the Director of the hospital and said "You buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there is too little left to be of any use?" "Good question" noted the director, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every so often, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. He continued on, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" What do you do with the left overs after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes" replied the Director, realising that the inspector was trying to trip him up with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster." "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all director. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too, we do not waste," answered the director. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the revenue tax office and about once a year they send us an auditor who is a complete prick."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jerry has been seeing a psychoanalyst for 4 years for the fear that he had green monsters under his bed. Been years since he had a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was not very good, and he knew it. So, he stopped seeing the Psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Jerry's former Psychoanalyst runs into Jerry, his old client in the Supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. Jerry says, "It's amazing! I'm t cured!" "That's great news!" the Psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "Went and saw another doctor," Jerry says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredible. "Yeah,' continues Jerry, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the Psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He had me cut the legs off of my bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Wilson, was a very successful lawyer at getting charges dropped, but in this particular case he decided to bribe a man on his client's jury to hold out for a reduced charge of manslaughter, as opposed to The States charge of first degree murder. The jury was out for five days before they finally returned with a manslaughter verdict. When Mr. Wilson paid the corrupt juror, he questioned if he had a very difficult time to convince the other jurors to see the evidence his way. Sure did, the juror replies, "The other eleven jurors wanted to acquit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A well respected local surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was watching the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor answered it and heard a fellow doctor colleague on the other end. "We need a fourth for our poker game tonight" said the friend. "Very well. I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three other doctors are there already, but the still need me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While on a road trip, an elderly couple , stopped at a roadside restaurant for quick lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman set her eye glasses down and left them on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. Elderly Lady screams out "We got to go back, I left my glasses at the restaurant!" By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a turn around spot, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became more the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey which would improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for a follow up visit, the doctor asked "How are we doing with the pills and the whiskey?" Well Mrs. Stone answered "He's a little behind with the pills, but he is about SIX months ahead with the whiskey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Ruling Party" government ... had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Thieves may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How does the watchman do his job properly without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do the time studies. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" Well, they created and hired two people for the Quality Control Department. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How are these people going to get paid?" So the next step was to create the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then "The Ruling Party" said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" Obviously, they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Although we have had this operation only for one year, we are $24,000 over budget already, so we must cut back overall costs fast." So they laid off the night watchman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Wasn't it New Year's Day just last week?? headscratch


Now it's Spring Break 2015. StPats


That means Christmas is only three weeks away. happydance12


I'm excited. This year I want a new cap gun, a GI Joe, a Hoola Hoop, and a puppy. puppy


OH, and a Erector Set. happydance


Right now I want a bite to eat before I turn off, and turn in. sleep


Have a happy day y'all. wink


joe


Edit: Oh yeah, I want a Barbie Doll too. razz

Last edited by gymcandy1; 03/22/15 07:20 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007632
03/22/15 07:54 PM
03/22/15 07:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great Monday Joe. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007635
03/22/15 08:29 PM
03/22/15 08:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, talking about Christmas is a no-no! Although it is white here again and more snow coming.

SpaceQ, have a great day!

Have a happy day everyone! I have PT in the morning and a book signing at night. yay

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007648
03/22/15 10:06 PM
03/22/15 10:06 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
That's a very interesting calendar you have there, Joe. lol

Have a great day, Space Quest.

Have fun at the book signing, Ana. happydance

It's Sunday night for me, and I'm off to sleep. It's back to work in the morning. Luckily in my local store. thumbsup

Hope everyone has a great Monday. spring


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007660
03/23/15 02:44 AM
03/23/15 02:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Have a great Monday Joe,SpaceQ,Ana,venus
and all who come in later. wave spring


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007665
03/23/15 06:16 AM
03/23/15 06:16 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, venus, Haroula and all! Coffee is ready and I'm ready for Spring! I We still have 2 feet of snow cover. I don't think it will melt till May at this rate! Wishing you all a warm and sunny day! spring


Gerry
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: Kaki's Sister] #1007690
03/23/15 09:49 AM
03/23/15 09:49 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a great Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007693
03/23/15 10:23 AM
03/23/15 10:23 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
lol Joe, I love your calender! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Space have a lovely day!

Ana you got more snow??? We just got the winds and the cold. lol Good luck at PT and the book signing. What book??? Have a lovely day!

venus may work be fun and you have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Darlene may the start of the new work week go smoothly and you have a lovely day!

No plans till later when I will go to BINGO tonight. I already took my computer apart and gave it a bath!!! Now some gaming.

wave
Nan

Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007699
03/23/15 12:29 PM
03/23/15 12:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Been up and moving for a little bit. Researching, of course, and visualizing an army of white blood cells clad in shining armor and riding war horses chasing down all the evil viruses and bacterias in my body. Evil germs reminding me of scurrying cockroaches. For a while my right ear hurts, throat is screaming and glands are swollen on that side. I'll work on that side and get it eased off only to have the evil bugs run to the left side and stick their tongues out at me and yell "nanny nanny boo boo." Gotta get them surrounded and overrun!

Meanwhile, I Must cook books. Was slated to do them last Monday but was too sick. So will do it in dribs and drabs and spurts today, but it must be done!

Boys are here, but son took off work to watch them. Told his boss there was no one else, which is true as I'm not up to it just yet.

Joe, I'm with you. Can't believe it's Easter already!

Space, good day planned?

Ana, which book?

Happy whooshing, Venus!

Haroula, wave

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Darlene, happy skooshing!

Wow, Nan, did you use bubbles?


Off to tackle the books!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007701
03/23/15 12:53 PM
03/23/15 12:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Prince Jura made 2 cups of delicious coffee for me today -now what happened yesterday. Anyway keeping fingers crossed.

L4L, get well soon. Could vitamin C suppliments help? Every November I get something like what you have but not as bad and it takes a month to recover. Best wishes.

One cat is sleeping on newly washed and dried laundry, 1 cat is sleeping on the guest bed and 2 cats are in opened windows soaking up the warm sun. What a life. It's perfect kitty cat weather, in the 70's and they tore up the back yard and house and now exhausted. Poor things.

After several days of "Why Bother" I housecleaned -it's a workout


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007704
03/23/15 01:10 PM
03/23/15 01:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Yankee, glad the Prince is up to snuff today. happydance I'd love to take Vit C, but C is murder on my interstitial cystitis. Puts me in bed curled around a heating pad crying for days, so sadly, I have to be super careful with how much C I get. Otherwise I'd be chugging the stuff as I'm sure it would help. Thanks, I will get through this, but all good thoughts are welcome. Your kitties live such a rough life. How is Posy? Housecleaning is a workout. Do you put on music to clean by?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: looney4labs] #1007737
03/23/15 04:55 PM
03/23/15 04:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007748
03/23/15 07:14 PM
03/23/15 07:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Afternoon,Space


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: looney4labs] #1007761
03/23/15 09:12 PM
03/23/15 09:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Hi looney.

We are getting snow again. woozy

See you tomorrow Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007766
03/23/15 09:42 PM
03/23/15 09:42 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1] #1007769
03/23/15 09:55 PM
03/23/15 09:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Night all, I'm tired of my acute muscle pain caused by ME decided to pull all the weeds along my 100 foot driveway. My fault my fault. Can hardly get up or down or even rolling over in bed is agony. Finally decided to double up on pain pills. Helped just a tiny bit. I've decided to try a new Mantra, "Pain is your friend, love the pain". Going to repeat it over and over out loud until someone grabs me and calls the men in the little white coats to come get me. evil


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
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