Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.
~Al Bernstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam," the shop clerk replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. Then she covered her face in cold cream. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with a stern warning, "If I have to come in here again, you're going to regret it.". As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Is it the weekend yet?
Dog I'm so tired and weak....
....I can't even pull a comb through my hair......and I'm BALD HEADED!!
I'm dog tired, wait....
....that can't be, my dog sleeps all day. How could he be tired?
I'm so tired I'm gonna shoot that rooster before I go to bed.
Shoot!
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
acebook
witter
