The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.
~Tommy Bolt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?"
So God said, "I will put on earth a woman, "
"'What is this ‘woman’?" asked Adam.
"A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God.
"Oh holy master, what is the price for this women"' asked Adam.
"The price for her is your left arm and your right eye," said God.
Then Adam replied, "Ehh... what can I get for a rib?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Compare The GendersNICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, *BLEEP*, Etc."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Male translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
"I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
As I expected I'm having to rush to get ready for bed. I've had a bite to eat. Now I have to get my shower asap.
It's Friday and I'm off the weekend. WOO HOO!!
I'll probably spend the whole weekend doing my taxes.
Sometimes procrastination catches up with you way before you want it to.
I got another bit of lovely news in the mail today. I've barely been here 6 months and I've already gotten a jury summons.
A penalty of property ownership.
I've served on juries before, and I hated it.
GUILTY!!!!! 
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have a lovely day!
Thanks for the goodies and have a lovely day!
