The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
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Never argue with kids
Excerpts from Readers's Digest.My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
~~
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
~~
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
~~
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
~~
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
~~
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!"
~~
A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
~~
Letter to GodLittle Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter #1:"Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy"
Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter #2:
"Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy"
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.
Letter #3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Leroy"
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.
Letter #4:
"God, I've got your mom. If you want to see her again, send the bike!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.
If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Instruction LabelsThese are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(What no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your stump if you've tried this..)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump day has arrived.
I don't know why. It just feels like the middle of the week to me.
We're supposed to have severe weather today & tonight, with a capitol
OH SHOOT!.
I hope I don't have to hump it home from work in a storm to save my babies.
I have to close at work tonight, but first I have to report to the court this morning.
My jury summons date has arrived, and now I'm asking for your prayers that I'm not chosen to be a juror.
I'm good at jeering, but not juring.
If I get sequestered, don't worry. I'll find a way to smuggle out the diners for you.
I'll bribe a guard.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe,Ana,Haroula and everyone. Coffee is on. Wishing you all a great day! 
