My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn
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A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).
"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Work Policies
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing)
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should
be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew whohad been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Assassin Interview
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position — two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."
The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.
The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants.
He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here! I came home and found the mailman dead on our porch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I got off work at 10:30, and it's 12:15 now, AND I am bout to pass out.
I think that's a good thing. I'm really scared that one of these night I'll pass in.
Not sure that's a good thing because I've never heard of anyone doing it and surviving.
Anyway it's late, but I wanted to let you guys know how my day went.
It went pretty good.
I went to work, and then I came home.
I hope I didn't over simplify that.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe and everyone. Not over simplified Joe. I think that covers it nicely! 
Coffee is ready. Wishing everyone a Happy Day full of Sunshine! 
Have an easy peasy day!
