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#1011789 - Yesterday at 07:21 PM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30368
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be romance here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Well no one figure out the theme to yesterday's jokes. razz


I'll tell ya, it's the same as today's jokes. thumbsup


I spent most of my day off sleeping. sleep


It was very tiring, and now I'm ready for bed. tired


I have to get up at 4:30. shocked


Oh yeah. Yesterday was my 10th anniversary here. I kinda forgot. lol


They say the memory is the first thing to go, but I forgot where it goes. duh


Have a happy day everyone.



joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (Yesterday at 07:22 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#1011791 - Yesterday at 07:57 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 66711
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe we will have to have a birthday bash on Sunday! Ten years of the diner is not to be missed! I'm so glad you are here!

Have a happy day all!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1011798 - Yesterday at 09:13 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 10068
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Wow Joe ten years bravo

Thanks for the laughs and cheers to your next ten years, thumbsup
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#1011801 - Yesterday at 09:45 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Online   happy
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 22058
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Woo Hoo Hoo

Ten Years for You

Thanks for the memories Joe!

wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#1011803 - Yesterday at 10:09 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
MaG Offline
Administrator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 12/28/99
Posts: 66789
Joe,
You are much loved and appreciated. flowers

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#1011805 - Yesterday at 10:17 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14900
Loc: Massachusetts
I agree with MaG. We will be nothing without you Sir Joe. Thanks for all the memories. kissy

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#1011810 - Today at 02:29 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8691
Loc: Greece
Joe,another ten will be awesome. bravo
Ana,what a cake,I love the teeth. lolHave fan. happydance
Have all a happy day. smile
_________________________
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".


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#1011815 - Today at 04:39 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 18270
Loc: Marlborough USA
dance Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, soot, MaG, Midgie, Haroula and everyone. Joe time to celebrate! chocobunny I can't believe it's been 10 years! Hope everyone has a great day! Coffee is ready. Can't wait to celebrate Joe's Diner! dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#1011822 - Today at 08:13 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 15210
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers spring

Joe, you are most appreciated. We all love you. catrub

Ana, That was a cool cake. thumbsup

MaG, good day wishes.

Haroula, happy day!

Midgie, how are you?

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Spcae, good morning

Soot, have a great day.

Having a "Celebration of Life" luncheon at church today for my husband. hearts
_________________________
Gail

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#1011830 - Today at 10:16 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14005
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Wow....ten years already??? Here's to the next ten, Joe!! Thanks for all the laughs through the years.

Ana great cake. Have a fun time.

Gail HUGS!! Sending prayers for strength today! hearts

Have a lovely day everybody!!

wave
Nan

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#1011835 - Today at 10:40 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 66711
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Thanks for the cake comments, it was fun making it.

Gail, big hugs for you today. I will keep you in my thoughts. hearts

Nan, Gerry, Haroula, SpaceQ, Midgie, MaG, soot and all, have a very happy day!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1011836 - Today at 10:55 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 43223
Loc: Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll wave

Raining here, so no soccer. Boys came in at 8 a.m with a quart of sugared foot coloring for drinks each and an entire bag of sugar donuts before 9 a.m. Really hardwall

I am going to do books today. Never got there yesterday and must get there so off to it puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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