Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says, "That idiot has been peeing in the refrigerator!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.
The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.
The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" <
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble
whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again.
But suddenly, he brightened.
He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
She just smiled and held his hand.
He then continued, saying "When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S MY DAY OFF!!!
Not sure what I'll do though.
I may just sit here and watch my age spots grow. It's much more interesting than watching paint dry.
Actually I do know what I'll be doing. I'm taking Baby to the creek and look for arrowheads.
It's going to be a very nice cool day, with plenty of sunshine I think.
Of course 'early' is a relative thing.
If I don't get to bed soon, 'early' will be about 9:00.
Have a happy day everyone.
Oh yeah, L4L I did not burn my leg with a bic lighter.
I stabbed that tick with a fork.
OUCH!!
See ya.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe and everyone. Coffee is ready. Just waiting for GB Diners! Have a great All! 
Have an easy peasy day!
