Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney
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My husband and I, married 13 years, were dressing for a party. I’d spent all day getting a haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the hall and he said nothing. I complained that he had not even noticed my hair. "You used to pay attention to every little thing, and now you don’t notice anything! You take me for granted!"
My husband stood there rubbing his face as he let me rant and rave. Then it hit me: He’d shaved off his six-month-old beard.
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The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You’ll be thirty before you know it."
"But I’m closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won’t be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
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I was having lunch with several thirty-something friends when talk turned to the dismal prospect of our growing older.
"Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological clock ticking from 200 miles away."
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My brother and his wife started their family in their early 40s. One day my sister-in-law and I were commiserating about the effects of time marching on.
"I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two preschool boys thundered past her. "Now, if only my hearing would go."
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My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered.
After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another ten years."
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For my grandmother’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It’s my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied.
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Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband’s birthday party. Though she’s been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn’t help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse.
"Trudy, you’re not wearing a bra!" I whispered.
With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they’re only 15."
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Now that I’m over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that’s how far you got off the ground."
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A zookeeper is ordering new
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”
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A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
As soon as I get this done I'm going to bed, so forgive me if I make it short.
I would just type faster, but I don't have that much to say anyway.
When I got home today, I had a package on my porch. It was a new penthouse for Pepper.
I had to have something that didn't take up as much room as her mansion did.
I had to assemble it of course. By the time I had finished, I was starving, so I fixed my dinner and ate.
After I ate dinner I got on my computer.
That's my day in a nut shell.
See..........I told ya.
Have a happ-y --dayveryon e.
+36And that's what happens when y++++++ou ty++p+e+ +w+ith a parr+ot ++on your keyboard.
joe