Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen
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A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I’m a gnome."
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Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.
"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife’s response: "Who?"
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Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
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I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
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Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Would you?"
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A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies."
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A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
Manager says "Maybe you should try announcing."
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During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
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A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
"How do you think I ended up with all these kittens?"
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A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."
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This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: "Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance."
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Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in.
He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together.
Watching this display, my friend couldn’t resist: "You always herd the ones you love."
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I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband’s inspection.
"Do you really think that's important?" says the husband. "If so, maybe we should just put one of those filters on the toilet bowl instead."
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My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were very fond.
My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.
The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"
The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."
"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."
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Good morning everyboomie.
We're out of the storm zone for a while, but more on the way.
I wish I knew our rain totals so far, because it's hard to remember another time when we had this much of it.
The former owner of this house still has his canoe in the back yard. I may need it to get to work tomorrow.
Row row row your boat
gently back to work
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
I will go berserk.
Going to work 'merrily' is not my nature.
I can have some fun while working, but I usually decline doing that.
I want my coworkers to be miserable too.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Hope you have a great Monday anyway.
i'm with marian 
