The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman
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A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
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A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
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So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
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A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ‘em they’re gonna die.”
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A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
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Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
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So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
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A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
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When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.
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I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
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A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
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Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"OK I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m just putting on my shoes!" "Sit back down and watch a movie."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well if you love jokes, and love animals, and love food, then today's diner is a feist.
If you love joking and laughing while you're eating animals, then you're just sick.
OOPS JEEZE! 
I was watching a segment of a TV show, and hit the back button or something, and thought I lost this whole post. WHEW!!
I've done just that before, and it's a sick feeling after you've spent the better part of an hour copying and pasteing.
Speaking of being spent. I spent too much at Walmart today, my day is spent, I'm feeling spent, and the time I spent sleeping last night is the only spending of the last 24 hours that I want to repeat.
I've been saving for it all day.
Actually I deposited some of my savings on the couch this afternoon.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula and all. Coffee and fresh baked danish are ready. 
Moms 
