How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin
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One day while we were doing yard work, my nine-year-old daughter found a baby snake, and I encouraged her to catch it and put it in a jar. Later she found a huge bullfrog and got another jar to put it in.
After dark I told her she would have to set them free. With the frog in one hand and the snake in the other, she started down the porch steps. Suddenly she screamed wildly, dropped both the snake and the frog, and ran into the house.
"What happened?" I asked, my heart thumping.
"Did you see that?" she replied. "That moth almost got me."
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My son is an avid listener to our city’s police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say, “Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it.”
There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, “We can’t get the car started.”
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I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway, when I saw a large dog trot up to my car. He stopped and sat just out of arm’s reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge. After a while I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back and learned the reason for the dog’s stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I had been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
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Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
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An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
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Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."
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Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.
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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
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Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”
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This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
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Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well I had a lovely day off yesterday, and today I don't.
Since it rained all day yesterday, today it probably won't.
I slept all night last night, and found it very aggreeable, Some will say I have no self control, or will power, but I plan on doing it again tonight. All night.
Call me a glutton.
I blame it on bad parenting. My parents made me go to bed early every night.
I've been addicted since I was a kid.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and everyone. Coffee is ready. Enjoy! 
Have an easy peasy day!
Who'd have thought you'd have to adjust to new windows!
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