Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix
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Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
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A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
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Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
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This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
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A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
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Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Two bloods and a blood light coming up."
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A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads
"If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers."
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One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don’t look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he’s got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Almost midnight now, and I've had a long day. Ahm a tard ol' dog.
Fortunately, I have a gorgeous brown-eyed dog waiting for me in bed.
Yeowzza!
I think I'll go and snuggle up with her.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Double date for dinner tonight and the rest of the day is free! 
