The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?”
“Last night at 11:00,” I said.
“And the tires were on it then?”
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Taken For a Ride
From a passenger of the Vacaville,
California, public bus company:
Dear Sir,
I would like to commend driver Lea
Schroeder for the following reasons:
1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by.
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way.
3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me
wrong instructions on which bus to
take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly
elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.
Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.
Sincerely yours,
Robert V.
From Lea Schroeder, Vacaville, California, a bus driver with a great sense of humor
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"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
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We were stocking up on
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
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The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?”
She shook her head. “We call it job security.”
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Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
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Urine Trouble NowAn irate patient called our
pathology group, demanding that
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”
She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”
```````````````````
When my customer ordered
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or
unsweetened?”
Her answer: “What’s the difference?”
``````````````````
The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress.
“This soup is awful,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”
```````````````
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”
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How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do
it while you’re eating dinner.
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Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
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Did You Feel It?
I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Today I start working on my bucket list.
I've been thinking about it for a long time now.
#1. Get out of bed.
I know it's going to be
very...extremely difficult, but I know I can do it with support from my pets.
.....
....
They're always there for me................................or is it food they're always there for??
#2......... I Haven't gotten that far yet,,,,,stay tuned.
My #1 starts at 3:30am.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
