Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
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Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students
• Q:
What’s the name of a
six-sided polygon?
A: Sixagon.
• Q:
What part of the body is
affected by glandular fever?
A: The glandular.
• Q:
In The Tempest, why does
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?
A:
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.
• Q:
In comparison with large
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?
A: They’re smaller.
• Q:
Who were the Bolsheviks?
A: A Russian ballet company.
From F in Exams: Pop Quiz,
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)
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“What Key Did I Sing in?”
After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”
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A Dumb Driver’s-ed Answer
My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped.
It might have had something to
do with how she completed this
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”
She wrote: “Driver.”
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Spotted on Facebook…
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did
I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the
sentences you apparently
kidnapped in the dead of night
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
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A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called,
demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
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Worst Insurance Claims Ever
If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit
applied after midnight.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”
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She Must Not’ve Read It…
While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm having a hard time getting a diner posted tonight. You see I spilled coffee on my key board, and some of the keys don't work now.
Try writing anything without an 'i' key.
The only reason I'm able to post now is because at lunch today I went to Walmart and bought a wireless key board.
Not sure I'll keep it though because I'll probably have to get a new laptop.
I could do all my posting, and surfing on my desk top, but I need sensore input while I'm doing this, which means I need to be in front of my TV.
Once again, though it's near midnight and I still have to have a shower, so I've got to get going.
I am off today. YIPPEE!!!
Have a happy one everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
