I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
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Hot-Crossed Pastors
When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
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Airman Express
My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman.
“Thanks for coming back for me,” the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen’s mess, sir.”
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Sgt. Nimrod
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.
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Piping Up
A Scottish mother visits her
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
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Is Your Boss This Dumb?
While taking stock of our
products, I read aloud the final
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his
desk phone’s keypad.
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The Egg Corn Game
A few years back, a woman wanted
to use the word acorns. What
she wrote instead was egg corns,
and ever since, linguists have had
a new toy: eggcorns, words and phrases that people screw up:
• Social leopard (social leper)
• Mute point (moot point)
• Skimp milk (skimmed milk)
• Youthamism (euphemism)
•
Holidays sauce
(Hollandaise sauce)
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Mallory Ortberg on Cooking Blogs
Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards.
• “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
• “I don’t have an oven; can
I still make this? Please reply
immediately.”
• “A warning that if you
cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for
25 minutes, it’s completely
ruined. Do you have any
suggestions?”
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Eggxclaimed in the Office
Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!
Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?!
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Bad Work Excuses
Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time.
• My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway.
• I quit smoking and I’m grouchy.
• My favorite football team lost
on Sunday, so I needed Monday to
recover.
• I received a threatening phone
call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI.
• I got lost and ended up in a
different state.
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PLEASE Don’t Administer Orally
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
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Which West is that?
“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student.
She explained that she’d fallen
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.”
And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University.
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Good Moning eveyboomie.
It's been quite a day here, defined by water.
I tried going head hunting, but didn't get much time at it because of thr rain starting.
I was hoping to do a lot of hunting before it rained again.
At my home town where I grew up in Texas, our average
annual rain fall was 20 inches.
Before today, we have received 13 inches locally...........this month.
That's cazy man.
It's still raining currantly, and we have a forcast of another 4 to 6 inches before Monday.
Funny huh?
Ok have a happy day everyone.
I have to get up at 3:30.
joe