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TGIF #1018333
06/11/15 10:47 PM
06/11/15 10:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
~Groucho Marx
```````````````````````````````````````

Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”


My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
`````````````````````````````````

The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
```````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I don't know what to do with myself tonight. duh


I don't have to get up early tomorrow. yay


I don't go to work until 1:00. dance


That means that I can stay up late, and do whatever I want. evil


think


The only problem with that statement is that "stay up late" and "do whatever I want", are diametrically opposing ideas. headscratch


You see, that's because what I want to do is to go....to....bed. wink


Growing old DOES have it's benefits.


I no longer burn my candle at both ends.........................thus saving on candle expense.


Have a happy day everyone.



joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018339
06/11/15 11:07 PM
06/11/15 11:07 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day Joe. Hope you found a good balance between staying up and sleeping. hearts

Happy Friday everyone!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018359
06/12/15 01:58 AM
06/12/15 01:58 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Happy Friday Joe,Ana and all. happydance wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018370
06/12/15 05:28 AM
06/12/15 05:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
chocobunny Good Morning Joe Ana, Haroula and everyone. I have the coffee ready. Have a wonderful Friday everyone! chocobunny


Gerry
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018379
06/12/15 05:58 AM
06/12/15 05:58 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Good morning Sir Joe, Ana, Haroula, and Gerry and all who come in the diner today. Have a great day all. I have a split shift today. Rain later.

Midgie heartschocobunny rah dance yay spring flowers


Just do it.
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018383
06/12/15 06:54 AM
06/12/15 06:54 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Robert and I are going to The House of Blues for dinner tonight. We are meeting friends from California there. To all here and all who stop in later, have a Great TGIF. Danish, Honey Buns, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. spring


Connie
Re: TGIF [Re: connie] #1018403
06/12/15 09:53 AM
06/12/15 09:53 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Enjoy your sleep in and have a great TGIF!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's Friday! woot

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018420
06/12/15 11:15 AM
06/12/15 11:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Broke a tooth eating a 'Chicken Bake' sandwich from Costco. My fun never ends. Now I look like Dracula but only on one side. Too bad it's not Halloween. I'm waiting for a call-back from the Dentist's office to see if he can 'sandwich' me in today. Pun intended. I've been with this same guy for 50 (yes it's true) years. I was 19, he was fresh out of Dental School and is only about 5 years older than I am. We have both aged a lot, but he's still the funny joking extremely talented guy he was way back then. He has the most gorgeous eyes! Too bad he's been married 3 times and I missed the 'interims' every time. rotfl


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018425
06/12/15 11:57 AM
06/12/15 11:57 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Popped up, grabbed the dogs and pushed through the neighborhood hard. Did our full workout and game home hot, soaked, and dogs were panting panting panting. The Cully Bug got up as we came in so he has been hanging with us since.

We cleaned a little, cooled a little, cooked a little, fed everyone, and finally made it to my computer and chair. Cully is being a love and I'm sitting and surfing.

We are all going to see the new Jurassic movie this afternoon. I do't particularly want to go, but the boys really do so will do the g'ma thing and go along.

Joe, have fun whatever you do.

Ana, happy Friday lab

Haroula, happy Friday and welcome to the weekend.

Gerry, I'm grabbing for the coffee. Thanks.

Midgy, we have rain coming too. Hope your shifts are easy peasy.

Connie, enjoy your night out with friends.

Happy skooshing, Darlene wave

luck Sorta

Back later puppy


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018450
06/12/15 02:16 PM
06/12/15 02:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Dentist fit me in right after I posted. He filed down the sharp edges and talked me into a cap instead of just trying to use bonding, which he said, and I believed, would cost me almost 500 for the bonding and 1000 for the cap. Cap would permanently solve the problem and the bonding has a habit of breaking off in a year or two. Been there twice before. Sooo I wait for my end of the month appointment (or sooner if there is a cancellation). My smile is still Dracula-like but I'll try not to smile until it's fixed. Yuk!


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018453
06/12/15 02:58 PM
06/12/15 02:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Hey Sorta, Vamps are "in" right now



woozy


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018459
06/12/15 03:39 PM
06/12/15 03:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Welcome to the weekend Boomers. happydance


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018489
06/12/15 08:28 PM
06/12/15 08:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Really, let the good times roll!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018493
06/12/15 08:31 PM
06/12/15 08:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Woohoo for the weekend!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: TGIF [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1018495
06/12/15 08:35 PM
06/12/15 08:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Weekends are like puppies to me. Everyone loves them. puppy


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1] #1018516
06/12/15 10:17 PM
06/12/15 10:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Ok, time for bed. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIF [Re: looney4labs] #1018520
06/12/15 10:51 PM
06/12/15 10:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
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