Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
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Funny Questions: The best of those stupid, dumb, funny, witty and silly questions. Some of them really make you think, some make your laugh, and some are just plain stupid…Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered mothers from Asian countries use? Toothpicks?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?
More Funny Questions and Stupid Questions
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How did a fool and his money get together?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Can you get cavities in your dentures from using too much artificial sweetner?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
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Some of the funniest deliberately bad opening paragraphs of would be novels.The Bulwer-Lytton literary parody contest is a yearly contest that seeks to find the worst deliberately terrible opening paragraphs to novels. It was named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), who originated the phrases “the pen is mightier than the sword,” and “pursuit of the almighty dollar.” He also opened a novel in 1830 with those now famous words that Snoopy plagiarized for years, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Here are some of the best worst bad novel beginning paragraph entries in the 2006 contest.David loved Marisela’s voice, which was like fresh honeydew melon wrapped in fine prosciutto, and pierced with a round, teal gourmet toothpick, set on a Lenox Fruits of Life serving plate upon a mahogany table in a brilliantly sunlit (albeit in need of redecorating) dining room, but he wasn’t very fond of anything she said.
Stephen V. Masse
Medford, MA
The sun, which much resembled the yolk of a sunny-side up egg, set over the slight hill like a cheerio falling off the back of a spoon when a spoon is upside-down on a table and a cheerio is set on top of it.
Katrina Medoff
Wilmington, DE
When he heard the woman upstairs scream, the Maytag man’s heart thumped in his chest like an off-balance washer full of heavy bath towels.
Linda Shakespeare
Elk Grove, CA
Gray hung over the morning like a gauze bandage, the kind you wrap loosely over an oozing wound to keep it covered but still let air in, but the eastern sky reddened slowly, like the first signs of blood poisoning moving up an arm.
Russ Winter
Janesville, MN
Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine.
Dennis Barry
Dothan, AL
Our story begins with Raul, gently stroking Priscilla’s raven hair, gazing into her coal-dark eyes, eyes that reminded him of the blackness of the inside of a size 11 1/2 D shoebox, which in turn reminded him he needed to get his Bass Weejuns re-soled before that job interview next week with the owner of the janitorial service.
Gordon Bassham
Andover, KS
Sylvia leaned seductively back in her chair and downed the shot of cheap gin that Brad had poured for her, and speculated once again that, even if it did taste like something you’d rub on a horse, it had the pleasant side effect of softening Brad’s facial symmetry which had always reminded her of the collapsed, pocked surface of a cheese quiche that’s been cooked at too high a temperature.
Janna Harris
Littlerock, CA
He loved her like no other, their romance developing quickly, like the rapid growth of farm swine which grow from 2 to 4 pounds daily until they’re fully grown and put to market for slaughter, or like the rapidly growing cells that produce moose antlers until they fall off in early spring, and suddenly Bill sensed the imminent doom of his romance lying in wait.
Jeremy Perreaux
Sarnia, Ontario
Like a baleen whale inhaling krill–a collection of small marine crustaceans of the order Euphausiacea–or an anteater sucking up Formicidae– characteristically having wings only in the males and fertile females and living in colonies that have a complex social organization–her lips sought out mine in a passionate kiss.
Michael J. Sheehan
Cedar, MI
“Send a message back to Command Central on Earth and ask for their advice, which we will be able receive immediately even at this great distance, thanks to the ingenious manipulation of coherent radiation through a Bose-Einstein condensate and the bizarre influence of the Aspect effect, which enables us to impart identical properties to remotely separated photons,” Captain Buzz told the feathered Vjorkog at the comms desk, “and tell them our life-pod is going to explode in eight seconds.”
Christopher Backeberg
KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa
Cheralynn posed before the unblinking mirror, panting weakly, as her private surgeon hovered around her, tightening the straps on her custom-made girdle, and it dawned on her for the first time in her pampered, overindulged 49 years, that it was only a matter of time before she would succumb to Furniture Disease, and her chest would fall into her drawers.
Tracey MacDonald
Antigonish Nova Scotia
Butch glared balefully across the saloon at Tex, who had been stone dead since the scorpion he had unwittingly sat on had bitten him on the butt some half an hour or so ago, little suspecting that this was going to be his toughest staring contest since the one against old Glass-eyed Juan, during the great sand-storm of ’42, at the height of the Arizona conjunctivitis epidemic.
Geoff Blackwell
Bundaberg QLD Australia
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The best dumb and funny bumper stickers and great one liners from Tshirts and graffiti.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case …coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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Good Thursday morning everyboomie.
You are ready for a new day, yes?
Me neither.
Well Wednesday was a soggy day, and I was pretty soggy myself after returning from the creek.
It was very overcast when I got up, but still dry, and I finally decided to try and go head hunting at 8:45. No sooner than I got up to start getting my act together, it started to rain. After a 10 minute downpour, it stopped, and I looked at the radar. There was a storm cell that had just passed over, and nothing else was headed for us for a least a while, so I loaded up Baby, and headed out.
Since it was overcast, rainy, and windy, it was much cooler. I headed up creek to where I have found several points recently, and the first big sandbar produced nothing at all. I headed on up a ways, to a place where I normally search the creek, and then head back the other way. There was nothing there to find either, except bitter disappointment.
I went back down to the same sandbar where I had found the two little Christmas tree points, and as soon as I climbed down the steep bank, (more like fell down it), I could see this sweet looking perfect little red and yellow point. With great heart palpitations I reached down to pick it up, only to discover at closer inspection that it was a leaf.
I dropped to my knees sobbing in the rain, and screamed at the top of my lungs,
"WHY DON"T YOU JUST LEAF ME ALONE!!" 
I was completely skunked for the day, and when I got back to my truck, my shirt was soaked with rain, and sweat, and tears, but you know what? There is always the next time, and hopefully my broken heart will be mended by then.
I have to be at work at 5:00am again so I have to go now.
I bought a new package of sleep today, and I need to go put some in my eyes.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ and All. Coffee is ready. Wishing you all a peaceful sunny day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
Yes.....Abbi is getting too big. 
