Life is a thing that mutates without warning, not always in enviable ways. All part of the improbable adventure of being alive, of being a brainy biped with giant dreams on a crazy blue planet.
Diane Ackerman, One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, A Marriage, and the Language of Healing, 2011
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Twenty inflexible Rules in the office1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.
2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.
3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.
5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.
7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.
8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.
9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.
10. The more [blip] you take, the more you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a [blip] fool about it.
12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.
13. You cannot get work done by following rules.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.
18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.
19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.
20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.
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An optometrist was giving training to his new employee, explaining to her how to charge different customers.
At the time you are fitting the glasses, if the customer asks you how much they cost, tell him
- "$100".
If his eyes don't quiver tell him
- "For the frames. The lenses will be $25"
If his eyes still don't quiver, just add
- "Each"
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Pete, a statistics student, while driving his car, had a habit of accelerating hard before arriving at any traffic junction, zoom past it, then slow down again once he had passed it.
One day, he gave a lift to an acquaintance, who was panic-stricken by Pete's manner of driving, and asked him what made him hurry over the junctions.
Pete replied, "If you look at it statistically, you are far more prone to have an accident at a junction, so I ensure that I spend the least time there."
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On entering a lab, if you see an experiment, how will you determine which class it pertains to?
The answer is simple:
If it is green and wiggles, it has to be Biology.
If it stinks, it has to be Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, then you know it's Physics.
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There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with both of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
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In about 50 years, most of the work that humans don't like to do will be done by robots, especially illegal robots from Mexico.
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An income tax officer entered Andrew's office one morning and asked for his account books. Andrew was hesitant and upset as he was not sure of his accounts. The Income tax officer, an old hand at this game, guessed what was going on in Andrew’s mind and tried to sooth him: “Mr. Andrew, you are living in a great democratic country and doing good business without any trouble. In return, your country expects you to pay your taxes with a smile, is it too much?”
Andrew (relieved): “With a smile? Thank god for small mercies, I thought it will have to be cash.”
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The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price. He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.
A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy, "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?"
The boy said, "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was stunned. "How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked.
"It was a piece of cake," replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten thousand dollar cats."
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's after midnight now, and that can only mean one thing....it's about 12 hours past my bed time.
I'm going to try and haul my.....
...backside out of be to go to the creek, so I simply must get in bed and rest said backside.
I'll be back to check on y'all........
....sometime after that.
Have a happy day everyone.
Tired Old joe
acebook
witter
to your girl. 
See you in the morning.