I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
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Johnny, on his deathbed requested his wife: “When I am no more, please marry Watson, I implore you.”
Wife: “That Watson? But you have always hated him from your heart.”
Johnny: “I still do.” And fell dead.
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A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
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Have you heard about two Swedish pals who claimed they were hunters? Once they decided to go to Norway and buy a bird dog. When they found the shop, they decide to test the dog. They did and the result was disastrous. They felt their journey to Norway was in vain.
One friend: “This is deceit. We might as well return the animal. Let us drop this idea of buying a bird dog.”
Second friend: “Yeah pal, you are right. We will make one more attempt and throw the dog in air one last time. If he doesn’t fly this time too, we will leave him alone and return.”
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An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”
The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”
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Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.
James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “
Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”
James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”
Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”
James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.
Joe shouted: “Boss?”
Boss: “Yes Joe?"
Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”
Silence - no reply.
Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”
No reply.
Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”
James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”
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If you work late hours in office, the wife will say you don’t have time for her.
If you come home early or even in time, the wife will say you don’t have any work in office.
If you have headache at bed time, you don’t love your wife anymore.
If your wife suffers the same problem, she is over worked and tired.
If you are regular at gym, she will say ‘look at your age’ - why bother anymore?
If you don’t go to gym, she will say ‘look at your paunch’ why don’t you take care of yourself?
If you present her with a rose, she will say ‘why this buttering’?
If you don’t, she will say ‘you are not romantic anymore.”
If you suggest a restaurant, she will prefer a movie and vice versa.
If you suggest a movie, she will want to go to a restaurant.
WISDOM: It is not possible to satisfy your wife, leave her alone.
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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
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You Might Be a Cop if...
people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".
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A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
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Sven couldn’t pronounce ‘th’. One day he displayed an old car and a bicycle in his compound, stood near the gate and started to shout: “Boat for sale…….. Listen everyone…….. Boat for sale……”
Sven’s neighbor asked: “Hey Sven, where the hell is your boat? I can see only your car and your bicycle.”
Sven: “Yes, they boat are for sale.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
It is dark thirty and I've been at it for longer than I can dismember.
I don't even remember getting up this morning.
It was a very rough day at work. I swear I hung up No Pest Strips all over my department, and the customers STILL kept coming and finding me.
I finally got fed up and clocked out and came home........at 10:20.
If I weren't off the next two days,.......it would be a very long week.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
We go back in a month. Eventually the eye will have to be removed. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Hump day. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Muffins in the NC. 
. I'm glad you love it here. We all do. 
