There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
Winston Churchill
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What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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You may have heard the following story about Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance.
In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:
'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'
After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.
Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollars?'
The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'
'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'
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Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
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A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
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Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I thought I'd had better run too!"
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My colleague Mary went to the doctor complaining of severe pain in the stomach.
The doctor told her it was 'just wind'.
"Just wind?" reacted Mary, "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
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When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Scum Kills Family Pet'."
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A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Aw heck! Just missed it by a half hour!"
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Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty is for perjury?
Defendant: No your Honor, but I'm guessing it's a lot easier than the penalty for murder.
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Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hoblin Goblin. That one gets me every time.
On that subject, we started receiving Halloween decorations this week at work.
Very exciting.
As you may know, Halloween is my favorite event, at my favorite time of the year.
I love dressing up in fantasy clothing, and masquerading as someone else.
This year I'm going as a senile veteran from Oklahoma. The stuff of my nightmares.
Even my pets like to dress up in costume.
I think Pepper has decided to go as a scare crow this year.
She didn't care for my Vulture suggestion.
Baby is always light-hearted about it. She's wearing a big hot dog bun.
I suggested either Cujo, or maybe a seal or walrus.
Sambo has no imagination either.
He's going as a black cat.
Well at any rate, we have almost 3 1/2 months to think about it, and make the costumes.
I think I'll turn in.
I hope I haven't spooked myself so bad I can't sleep.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
If you dress Baby up, I want pictures Joe! 
Ana enjoy a run with the dogs. 
The steaming can wait! 
RebKean I love green tea in the afternoon. 
I mean everything, now Robert and I do it. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Thursday. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. 
That's so funny 
Andrea, Stay posituve. Things have a way of working out, 
What I want to buy is very popular.