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Happy Hump Day #1025495
07/28/15 07:15 PM
07/28/15 07:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Mae West

````````````````````````````

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

````````````````````````

A carnival truck and a revival preacher's truck collide head-on, and everyone is killed. The next thing anyone knows, Saint Peter is interrogating the revival preacher very thoroughly. Suddenly, the carnival crew arrives at the Pearly Gates reeking of beer and reefer, and Saint Peter continues waves them all through as he continues questioning the preacher. The Reverend splutters indignantly and asks, "How can you let those filthy, unrighteous hooligans into heaven while you give me the third degree?"

"Take it easy," Saint Peter says. "They're only going to be here a week."

`````````````````````````````

Two aerialists are up checking their rigging looking down on a roustabout who is setting up the lion tamer's cage. They are wondering how much brain you need to do that kind of work. So one performer gets a c-wrench and drops it on the worker's head. He loses half his brain, but keeps on doing the job. So the other aerialist gets a c-wrench and drops it down on the roustabout, until there is only a quarter of his brain left, but he goes on assembling the cage. The first flier drops an iron bar on the poor guy's head and he only has one brain cell left.

Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes "Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!"

````````````````````````````

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"

He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?

She says, "Oh, I'd like that."

He says, "That's awesome! Get me a blanket too while you're up."

``````````````````````````````````

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Oh my God, I....I'm sorry!!"

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen and get an ash tray."

```````````````````````````

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, can you get your lion out of the way?"

``````````````````````

A man goes to a doctor for a rash on his arm. "What do you do for a living?" the doctor asks him.

"I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants," the guy says.

"Quit doing that and the rash will clear up," the doctor says.

The guy replies, horrified, "What!? You mean get out of show business?"

```````````````````````````

Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, I just saved you twenty bucks. Would you split it with me?"

````````````````````````

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

``````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I know three things with absolute certainty this morning, and I think #3 will make you crack a big smile. happydance


1. It's Monday for me, so it's back to work at 5am. See how happy I am ?? blech


2. We're under a heat advisory, and expecting 102 degree temperature today. hardwall More happy news. slapforehead


3.... think ...Never mind #3. blush


Smiles aren't all they're cracked up to be any how. cool


Have a happy day everyone. wave



joe



Last edited by gymcandy1; 07/28/15 07:19 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025506
07/28/15 08:30 PM
07/28/15 08:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day Joe! Heatwave here too but I'm loving it. I've been swimming everyday and taking advantage of the warmth.

Happy Hump Day!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1025509
07/28/15 08:54 PM
07/28/15 08:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
thumbsup on the IRS joke Joe. lol


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025542
07/29/15 01:54 AM
07/29/15 01:54 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,919
Hogwarts
Trail_Mystic Offline
Dragon Breath - Darkside Moderator
Trail_Mystic  Offline
Dragon Breath - Darkside Moderator
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,919
Hogwarts
Everybody have a great Wednesday! smile

TM wave


I feel a lot more like I do now, then when I first got here

Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025558
07/29/15 05:42 AM
07/29/15 05:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space, Trail and all. Hope it cools down for you Joe. Ana enjoy your swim. Space that is a funny one. Trail have a great one too. Coffee is on and tea water is ready. Wishing you all a great day. summer wave


Gerry
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025570
07/29/15 07:23 AM
07/29/15 07:23 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Hump day. Midge, I'm watching Zoo and I also read the book. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and BB Pancakes. summer


Connie
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: connie] #1025591
07/29/15 09:52 AM
07/29/15 09:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a Happy Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025602
07/29/15 10:46 AM
07/29/15 10:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

Joe, we are right there with you... heat advisory....it's dangerous out there.

Staying home and staying in.

Ana, where are you swimming? That is what we used to do every day in the summer. Pools make summers fun wave

Back later lab


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1025622
07/29/15 12:19 PM
07/29/15 12:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Hi Boomers. wave

Is the weather hot at your house? woozy


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025625
07/29/15 12:29 PM
07/29/15 12:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,378
Scotland
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer
MsMercury  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,378
Scotland
Hello Boomers, hope everyone's day is going well! Longing for some decent weather here, we've had nothing but rain for weeks now and temps of around 55, have had to have the heating on a lot lately. If someone could send some sunshine I'd be grateful!

Enjoy the rest of your day guys!

Mary hearts wave


"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025626
07/29/15 12:30 PM
07/29/15 12:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Hi gang. Just got back from the pain clinic. Man is it hot outside. My car register said 95 degrees. Whew!. My A/C will be running for awhile. I hope you all are cooling off.

See you later.

Midgie hearts


Just do it.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025654
07/29/15 03:00 PM
07/29/15 03:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
L4L, my gym has a giant indoor waterpark and outdoor waterpark. I go work out and then swim and lounge afterwards. It's been great for my shoulders!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025655
07/29/15 03:07 PM
07/29/15 03:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Oh my goodness, Ana, I'm so Jealous! I'm so glad it is working for you!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025656
07/29/15 03:10 PM
07/29/15 03:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Not gonna lie L4L, it's an expensive luxury but I use the club at least 4 days a week so it's not wasted.


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1025659
07/29/15 03:43 PM
07/29/15 03:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Sounds great Ana. smile

Mary we are getting the rain everyday but when it is not raining it is 90 degrees. slapforehead


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025666
07/29/15 04:17 PM
07/29/15 04:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Oh what a beautiful day!!!!! The temp is only in the 70's and LOW humidity!!!! It hasn't been this nice in some time....it has been hot and humid but thanks to those Canadians and their cooler, less humid air blowing out there at 18mph, it is wonderful! Me and Sassy must have walked for hours this morning when it was 61 and windy. It felt great to get out and walk like that!! Must get ready for Septembers Color Run!!!!

Have a wonderfully lovely rest of the day!!

wave
Nan

Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025671
07/29/15 04:41 PM
07/29/15 04:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Heat wave here 40C.
I'm melting like ice summer eek


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025685
07/29/15 05:09 PM
07/29/15 05:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,680
kansas
my10rugrats Offline
Addicted Boomer
my10rugrats  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,680
kansas
hope everyone is drinking plenty of fluids during all these hot spells.today we have a nice cool day for once. i don't go out much when its hot or go anywhere unless i need to. yesterday was one of those days that was a have to case. had to take granddaughter to the dr in morning and then to er in the afternoon. took 3 different trips in the last 2 weeks to finally some one telling us she had pertusis(sp). they gave her some cough med with codeine and knocked her on her butt last night . at least she got a good nights sleep with out coughing and throwing up. the reason for the er trip was i came out of the bathroom and found her laying on the kitchen floor, she coughed so hard she went down. she said she feels a lot better today and the dr told her she could go to work today. sure scared me yesterday when i found her like that. these last few weeks she has doctored more than she has in the 6 yrs she has lived with us. never once had i or anyone had to take her to the dr for anything just didn't get sick. need to get my cast iron skillet out soon to fry some bacon for blt's tonight for hubby and me. not a lot of cooking going on here with it being so hot. well am going to play a bfg for a little bit then off to fry the bacon

Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025699
07/29/15 06:10 PM
07/29/15 06:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Dear Canadians, I am a big fan of Canada. Please please please send some cool air my way puppy


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1025700
07/29/15 06:14 PM
07/29/15 06:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
rotfl looney. Pass the cool help


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: Space Quest Fan] #1025763
07/29/15 10:29 PM
07/29/15 10:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. See you all tomorrow. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Happy Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1025780
07/30/15 12:16 AM
07/30/15 12:16 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
L4l, I'll blow hard to send it your way. Back to 80 tomorrow but low humidity!!!!

Night all sleep well.

sleep
Nan

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