Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them.
Oscar Wilde
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On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Did you hear about the American who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?
He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO MAN".
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Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?
No, you should eat your fingers separately!
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The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
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Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
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It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.'
Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.'
'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city'
After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.'
'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'
So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas last night and got drunk, had relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'
A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.'
'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?'
Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
As sure as Summer follows Spring, I'd sure like Fall to catch up with Summer and kick it out.
We got our Trim-A-Tree blue prints today at work and I can almost feel it, but the 95 degree temps we're having really cramp my efforts.
I'm trying to help by posting some Christmas jokes. Help my frame of mind that is.....as in color me red and white and green, and hang a stocking off my entertainment center.
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What? I couldn't find any Christmas smilies.
I guess I'm not the only one who needs help getting in the right frame of mind.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Ho Ho Ho
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! My daughter is doing the countdown to Christmas already. 
It will have to be a quick post, since Thorsgoats and I are about to have a nice breakfast with waffles, bacon and eggs. 
And of course, there will have to be gaming. 
