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Tuesday's #1026513
08/03/15 07:20 PM
08/03/15 07:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Hugh Leonard

```````````````````````

Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?

```````````````````````

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up,
"Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

```````````````````````

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

`````````````````````````

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

````````````````````

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

``````````````````````````````

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

They couldn't get the moose in the oven.

````````````````````


Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I decided if Lowe's can get Halloween 3 months early, I can post a Thanksgiving joke 4 months early. grin


It won't help it get here any earlier, but it does make me hungry as heck thinking about turkey & dressing, deviled eggs, and other Thanksgiving edibles. lol


What a dweeb! snicker gobble gobble


This is actually Friday for me again. dance


I think I can make it from 5am to 2pm no problem when I'm off the next too days. wink


It still ain't gonna be very cherry getting up at 3:30 though. pacify


I'd better get my bottle and get to bed. blush


Have a happy day everyone.



joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026521
08/03/15 08:12 PM
08/03/15 08:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Thanks for the laughs Joe. lol


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026536
08/03/15 11:04 PM
08/03/15 11:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Haha! You are free to tell THanksgiving jokes all you want, just don't rush it! Summer barely started.

I have appts all day for tree removal estimates. Fun times.

Have a great day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026554
08/04/15 05:28 AM
08/04/15 05:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana and all. Ana that must have been scary when that tree hit the roof! Good Luck getting it off! Coffee and tea are ready. In the middle of a thunder and lightening storm. Hope we don't loose power. Happy day to All! wave


Gerry
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026560
08/04/15 06:47 AM
08/04/15 06:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning everyone. wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026563
08/04/15 06:55 AM
08/04/15 06:55 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who stop in later, have a Great Sunday. Danish, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026567
08/04/15 07:46 AM
08/04/15 07:46 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers cat

Joe, I'm sure you're looking forward to your days off.

Ana, hope you get someone to remove your tree soon.

Space, good morning.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, stay safe. I hate thunder storms. Scares the pets so much.

Connie, Danish sounds good this morning.

Wishing everyone a great day. smile


Gail
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026577
08/04/15 09:10 AM
08/04/15 09:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll wave

Hubby and I popped up, grabbed the dogs, and hit the road this morning. It was cool out there happydance We had a lovely walk.

I'll be heading out to the farmer's market as soon as I post, then a stop at the store for a couple of ingredients for dinner, and probably take a nap when I get back as I'm not used to being up before the sun.

Weatherman just said 100 degrees for today sad

Ana, luck on tree removal. It is so expensive!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs] #1026579
08/04/15 09:58 AM
08/04/15 09:58 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Happy Tuesday and enjoy your Friday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Barre class tonight with daughter! woot

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Tuesday's [Re: Darlene] #1026624
08/04/15 03:54 PM
08/04/15 03:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. Two down three to go. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026629
08/04/15 04:31 PM
08/04/15 04:31 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Welcome home, Space wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs] #1026644
08/04/15 08:27 PM
08/04/15 08:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Thanks looney thumbsup


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1026646
08/04/15 09:13 PM
08/04/15 09:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Time has come. I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
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