The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
``````````````````````````````
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
```````````````````````````
Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking spots".
So the second lady says "I don't know?"
So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"
``````````````````````
One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last.
How have you done that?
I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.
```````````````````````````
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
````````````````````````
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and collapse of the Bradford and Bingley in the UK it is clear that the uncertainty has now hit Japan and Ireland.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded; Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
```````````````````````
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.
"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
````````````````````
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
``````````````````````````
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him. "How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England."
````````````````````````
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
``````````````````````````````
"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.
"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"
`````````````````````````````````
FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
```````````````````````
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
``````````````````````````````
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It seems I'm late for a very important date.
I'm half asleep as I speak, but I'm trying to go all the way.
Tomorrow's another day, and I'm pretty sure I'll feel a lot more like being awake then, than I do now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
That's a first for this summer... July was the wettest on record and August was shaping up to be the same.
Have a great Saturday, everyone. 
