The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
Will Rogers
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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out.
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Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.
"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.
"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".
So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.
The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.
"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.
"And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.
"Say," said Dewey, "Ah heard you and yer wife is goin' to night school to take Spanish lessons. How come?"
"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able to understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"
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An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement. The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!" The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"
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What is a baby:
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
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A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.
"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.
"Under the bath."
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Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar. "Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.
"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"
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Hey everyboomie.
It's another lovely day in paradise.
I can hardly contain my excitement.
It's a nuther 3:30am start though.
My spine just got all tingly.
We got our first Trim-A-Tree freight in today.
Dear Santa, I've been a very good boy this year.......
Have a happy day everyboomie.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm not anywhere ready for Halloween either! 
A good walk had by all.
