The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Madame de Stael
Also attributed to Madame Roland.
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My dear wife is always going on and on and on about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day.
She repeats that it's the thought that counts.
Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would.
Here's my list - see what you think:
* Brand new mop and bucket.
I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.
* Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
* Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box. I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.
* Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
* Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
* 45 second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
* Windows Vista. I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.
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What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
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The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
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An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
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It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted
'Okay, who's got the remote control?'
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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish would ye be speaking of sir?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope it's a beautiful 'cool' Thursday for everyone.
I've had a very long day and a good one at that.
I got a lot done, but now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the lord reign vengeance down upon all my enemies.
I kid
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
"