The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx
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McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
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I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"
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There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"
"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."
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Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
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The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant pink elephant in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its trunk!"
"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
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As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
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A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"
"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.
"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.
"What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly.
"What's it taste of ?" asked the cook.
"Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."
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Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
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You Know You're from New Mexico WhenYour favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.
You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.
You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.
You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
You have an extra freezer just for green chili.
You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.
You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.
You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.
Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I had a good day off, but I waited too late to start getting ready for tomorrow.
I shoulda hadda already beena inna bed.
The older I get, the earlier I want to go to bed.
Pretty soon I won't even get out of bed.
I sure hope Baby, and Pepper learn to cook and do house cleaning soon.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
for the jokes Joe. 
