Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.
Woody Allen

`````````````````````

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:

"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.

The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.

"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."

````````````````````````

The Danish man had a problem. His wife was coming home on the train but he could not remember if she was coming at 8:40 or 4:80.

`````````````````````

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.

```````````````````````

In Bowie, Maryland USA, a robber entered a bank and gave a teller a note demanding cash. After his demand was honoured, he fled. Upon returning home, he was amazed to find the police waiting for him. It appears he had written the note on the back of his bank deposit slip.

`````````````````````

Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.

He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.

Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.

Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.

The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'

``````````````````````````

First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said,

'Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!'

The cashier laughed and said, 'You mean to say 'HISTORY.'

The robber answered, 'Don't change the subject.'

`````````````````

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.

Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie.


It was one very long day today. I'm glad it's over.


I've never talked about this before. It's a irritating, confounding, disgusting, and disturbing issue for me.


People come into our store on a daily basis, and steal everything imaginable. I walk around my department every day and find empty packaging that someone ripped open and stole what was in it. They steal big things, and small things. I believe there are more thieves per-capita in this area than anywhere I have lived, and my company does NOTHING.

My company is the easiest company I have ever seen to steal from.


We have no security people. Cameras record a lot of it, but Lowe's will not persue anyone, and if any employee tries to stop a thief, and detain one physically, they will be terminated. I mean we've had people walk right out the door with high ticket items and NO ONE DOES A THING!!

People come into the store and routinely open packaging and pull the product out to examine it. They never get the items back into the package, because many of these items were packaged by magic fairies, and they JUST WON"T GO BACK INTO THE PACKAGE!!

To top it off, if the customer wants to buy the item, they will take one that has not been opened, after pulling the other one out of the package.

I'm afraid I've lost my faith in humanity. Humans are not worth the air that they breath, and I should know, I've lived among them for 64 years.

Ok, I haven't lost faith in ALL of humanity.

Just Okies.

I am REALLY tired.

Have a happy day everyone.


joe

Sorry Joe, that you have so much theft in your store. But thanks for opening for us. Wow, where is everyone this morning? I have another early shift today and Barbara's sister and BIL are leaving today. . I will miss them terribly.

Well, have a wonderful Tuesday. See you this afternoon.

Midgie

A friend sent this to me....
Lizard Birth
You need to read through to the end!

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
Giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Good Morning Boomers

Quiet in the diner this morning.

Midgie, wishing you a great day!

Winfrey,

Wishing a good day to ALL! Coffee on!

Good morning Joe, Midgie and Winfrey! So many good chuckles here!

Where is everyone?

Have a great day all, I have a long day in the corner working.

Ana

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! So very sad to hear what is going on at your work place. Very frustrating... So, a double terrific Tuesday to you!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Quiet in the Diner this morning...

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Good afternoon Boomers.

Having a good evening, Space?

Tornado sirens going off here this evening. Sorry Space, we've had stormy weather so that means you are too.

Ana

Oh Ana and Space. Please stay safe.

I'm heading off to bed. See you tomorrow, my day off.....

Yep I'm happy.

Midgie

Riding the storm out looney.

Good night Boomers.

PS I love sleeping when it is raining.