See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Will Rogers
To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.
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Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."
"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."
About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.
Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.
Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."
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Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
Confucius says
[1] Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
[2] Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
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A brilliant man goes to the hospital one day. "Doctor, I think I'm too smart. I can’t communicate with other people because nobody else sees things the way I do and it's ruining my social life. Is there anything you can do?”
The doctor performs many tests on the man, and finds that he is too smart for his own good. The doctor tells the man “Your IQ is 250, which is much greater than an average person. Luckily I can help you. I have a machine that will reduce your IQ to 160. You will still be very smart but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."
The man asks to receive the treatment immediately so the doctor straps him into the machine. Right after the doctor turns on the machine he gets a call from his ex-wife and they have a heated argument for several minutes. All of the sudden the doctor remembers his patient and hurriedly turns off the machine, but is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75. The doctor asks, "Are you ok?"
The formerly brilliant man doesn’t respond The doctor shakes him, yelling "Say Something."
The main replies "Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?"
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate ALL witnesses.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I really hate computers. I had this all typed and ready, and then 'poof' it disappeared, like magic, when I did something on the touch pad..........like touching it inappropriately.
I didn't even get a warning........like "Not tonight my keyboard aches."
I'd better get this posted before I get that blue screen of death stare.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
