“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.
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I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
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Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.
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I would make another chemistry joke, but they ARGON.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
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A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
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Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
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Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys looked at each other, shrugged, and gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish?'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he winks at his wife, and asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "Here you go Dad. Can you pass me the dam potatoes?"
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Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"
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There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well my weekend is over and so is my reason for living.
If I could just call in to work dead for 3 days it would be great. I'll be off again Monday and Tuesday.
In the mean time, I have to be up at 3:30, so I'm putting the lid on this day.
Have a happy day everyone.
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