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Monday #1030273
08/30/15 11:13 PM
08/30/15 11:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey

``````````````````````````

How to Know where a Driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

````````````````````````

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

````````````````````````

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her butt is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"[blip] those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

``````````````````````````

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

`````````````````````````

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

`````````````````````

It's the way you say it...

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

```````````````````````````

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

````````````````````````

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

```````````````````````````````

I Love You
English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo

Redneck..... Nice rack!

```````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Welcome to a new week. bravo


I have a stiff neck again. shocked


I was "sitting" on my couch watching a movie with Baby. Sitting, not laying. razz


I kept falling asleep, and every time I'd fall asleep, I would fall right over. lol


I guess if I fall asleep anywhere but in my bed I'm going to have a still neck. rolleyes


Who'd a thought napping would be so painful? headscratch


I have to go to town and get an estimate to repair my truck today. It's going to mean repainting both doors on the right side, and the front quarter panel and the hood, and replacing the right side mirror, and the front bumper. smirk


Y'all have a happy day ya hear?



joe

Last edited by gymcandy1; 08/30/15 11:14 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030275
08/30/15 11:18 PM
08/30/15 11:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe! I hope your neck is better when you get up. hearts

Have a great day everyone. It'll be a work day for me.

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030289
08/31/15 05:26 AM
08/31/15 05:26 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe good luck with the truck. Hope your neck feels better too. wave Ana don't work to hard. dance Coffee and tea water are on. Happy day wished for all. summer wave


Gerry
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030299
08/31/15 06:31 AM
08/31/15 06:31 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Good morning. I'm looking for BB pancakes and I'll just reach over and help myself to tea water from Gerry. Thanks Gerry. Time to get ready for work. Have a great day everyone.

Midgie hearts


Just do it.
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030302
08/31/15 06:57 AM
08/31/15 06:57 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Omelets, and BB Pancakes in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030314
08/31/15 08:39 AM
08/31/15 08:39 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers summer

Joe, feel better soon. Hope your truck gets a reface reasonably.

Ana, enjoy whatever is on your agenda today.

Gerry, coffee sounds inviting.

Midgie, an easy workday wish for you.

Connie, Danish for me and a good day wish for you!

Wishing everyone a wonderful start to a new week! puppy


Gail
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030335
08/31/15 11:04 AM
08/31/15 11:04 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Hubby and I rolled out before the sun did, happily anticipating coolness. It was only 73 as we danced out the door into high dew point hell. By the time we finished our walk, even the clothes still in the dresser drawers were soaked.

Did some 'stuff' and then was bednapped as hubby left. Pups and I enjoyed a nice dog pile nap before starting the day for the second time.

Joe, I love "May the force be with ya'll." I am so going to borrow that! Hope the down time to get the truck fixed is minimal.

Ana, hope work is fun and interesting.

Gerry, I'm racing for the coffee pot. Thanks!

Midgy, make your day wonderful.

Connie, heading for the Danish. Thanks!

Gail, anything fun happening today?

Off to stew some books wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs] #1030351
08/31/15 12:16 PM
08/31/15 12:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

I just returned from the collision repair center. They gave me an estimate of $5199.59 on my truck. shocked

Now I await the insurance company giving me the go ahead, which should come soon. yes

I would like to get out and mow the lawn today, but I really don't want to mess with it. smirk

I hope it's a great day for everyone. rah


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030354
08/31/15 01:02 PM
08/31/15 01:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
scared


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs] #1030373
08/31/15 04:09 PM
08/31/15 04:09 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1030385
08/31/15 06:37 PM
08/31/15 06:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Afternoon, Space, welcome home wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs] #1030393
08/31/15 07:29 PM
08/31/15 07:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Thanks looney. One down. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday [Re: Space Quest Fan] #1030412
08/31/15 10:21 PM
08/31/15 10:21 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
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