“When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
– Norm Crosby
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23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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When you hire a teenage girl to look after your brood, what you’re actually doing is inviting a hormonally charged, partially formed adult into your home and granting her temporary dictatorial status. Take it from a veteran former babysitter that a lot of hilariously evil stuff is bound to go down behind the scenes.1. Stockpiled stolen booze.To anyone under 21, the main benefit of babysitting is access to a vast supply of free booze. After casing a client’s house, the exact percentage of alcohol that can be stolen without drawing suspicion is quickly calculated. Then the beer, vodka, tequila, or gin deemed least likely to be missed is stashed in a backpack or the trunk of a car. This is perhaps the easiest and cheapest way for the underage set to acquire alcohol. It’s also a whole lot more efficient than tapping shoulders in the parking lot of the local liquor store.
2. Traumatized your kids for kicks.When your babysitter isn’t busy getting drunk on your booze, they’re getting drunk on the absolute power you’ve bestowed on them. Teenagers aren’t accustomed to being in charge, so it’s too tempting to abuse the temporary sense of authority. Unfortunately, the easiest way to do this is by scaring your kids shitless. There are many methods for instilling terror in the innocent, but some of the most reliable include: letting them watch R-rated movies, convincing them that your elderly neighbor was once a serial killer who preyed upon small children, and establishing totally absurd policies (e.g. no dessert unless you hop on one foot while barking for five straight minutes).
3. Shamelessly flirted with the kids’ dad.The typical “bad babysitter” trope involves inviting the boyfriend over for a make out session as soon as the kids are tucked into bed. But the sassiest gals aim higher than guys their own age, and they’ll seize any chance to interact with a grown man. When a middle-aged father offers to drive the babysitter home, that one-on-one time is a dream scenario for any coquette-in-training.
4. Siphoned cash.To a babysitter, any cash they’re handed is potential additional profit. If you leave money for dinner to be delivered, assume she’ll pocket it and prepare your kids some soggy pasta instead. And if you hand her a twenty for a cab ride home, she’ll risk a late-night mugging and take the subway so she make some the extra dough.
5. Passed blame onto an innocent child.Luckily, most kids are given to lying on occasion. That means that every kid you ever babysit is a potential suspect, and it’s possible to shove the blame for a host of failures—broken dishes, lights inadvertently left on, doors mistakenly unlocked—onto them. Why take the fall for a minor crime when there are so many?
6. Violated the family’s privacy.
Every babysitter is a practicing snoop. Given the opportunity, who wouldn’t poke around another person’s home in search of a secret? Of particular interest are medicine cabinets, bedside table drawers, and the search history on any computer. No babysitter stops until something of value is discovered, bet it a vibrator, a dime bag of weed, or a diary.
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Morning Boomers!
Good Monday morning that is. If that is possible.
I'm against the notion personally on principle alone. It's Monday.
However, if by some absolute miracle I should wake up somewhere else, like the mountains of New Mexico, instead of the big, hot stinking, hairy arm pit of Southeastern Oklahoma then I might reconsider my disdain for Mondays.
I had a great Sunday, despite the heat. I went for groceries at Wally World, and then later went to the lake and had a great visit with some relatives, and a whole bunch of people that I don't know.
Baby had a great time too. Everyone there offered her food.
She also turned out to be a great chick magnet, and I spent most of my time with a couple of gorgeous blonde sisters named Mckenna and Keeley. Not sure the spelling is right.
They both wanted to come home with me, but their mother didn't much appreciate me trying to give them a free black kitty.
I think they were like 6 and 8 years old.
I have a nuther 3:30 wake up.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
I love warm weather! 
Coffee is ready and tea water is simmering. Happy Day wished for all! 
I already had my voice lesson this weekend, so it's a day of singing practice and gaming for me before the craziness of my work week returns once again. 
