“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
– Ronald Reagan
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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "a dollar."
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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
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A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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Beer Troubleshooting ChartSYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.
SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above.
SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM - Floor blurred.
SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM - Floor moving.
SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark.
SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear
SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted.
SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song.
SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar.
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Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone doing this fine.........
.....Tuesday morning?
It is Tuesday right?
Yesterday I had two different people tell me that I look tired.
Now that I think about it, they could be right.
I'm real excited though. Today I bought a new garage door opener.
Next pay check I'm buying a new garage door as well.
This way if I ever build a garage, I'll already have those things.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe. You crack me up. Monday is behind us and Tuesday is looking good. I'll be heading to the city again to go bike riding along the lakefront with my son Peter. 
Ana sounds like a fun day. 
Haroula enjoy your day. 
Coffee is ready and tea water is on. 
A very chilly start to the day here. Hope you all have a great day. 
