“They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.”
– Unknown
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A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."
She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
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You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You blow out the match and your breath becomes a flame thrower.
8. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
9. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
10. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
11. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
12. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
13. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
14. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
15. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
16. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
17. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table
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The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter..... "One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?
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After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
It really is morning now....12:25.
What a day! It started when I woke up this morning......................
.........................make that yesterday morning.
Needless to say....
....................so I won't.
Say, did anyone read the story about the human head transplant that is being planned?
You can read about it here. I don't really think that's gonna happen.
However.............I would be happy to donate my sister's body for the procedure.
I could get a new brother out of the deal.....................with boobs.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe,you and all who follow later have a great day. 
Have an easy peasy day!
