I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
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A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
"What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little punk, O Conner " says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."
"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lick'n he gave me with it"
"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
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Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu- ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked Paul.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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Good morning ever buddy.
How is everyone doing today?
I had such a great day off yesterday, I think I'll do it again today.
I called my boss and told him I would not be in today, and he said, "Shut up, it's your day off!"
I told him I didn't like his rudeness and I quit.
He's not answering my calls now.
Do you think it's too early for the Christmas gift I sent him?
I didn't want it to be too obvious, so I signed it Anonymous Lilley.
Have a happy day all.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Joe, MaG and everyone. Joe you do make me laugh. 
MaG it's so nice to see you in the Diner. 
.Morning Gerry, Haroula, Connie, thanks for the BB youknowwhats yum, and L4L. No work until 5:00 later this afternoon. I'm off to Lowes to find a floor planter. Have a great Thumpday.
